Colon Blow

[wesfau2]

My girlfriend is always bringing home some bullshit in which I have to participate.

I was a vegetarian for two awful months a few years ago, I've had numerous exercise/diet programs inflicted upon me, and now the latest indignity is some 15 day colon cleanse.

To be fair, she does this shit, too, so it's not just me.

So....anyone have any insight/experience with the amazing shit cleaning system?

I'm two days in and nothing out of the ordinary is happening (I suspect nothing will), but I've read the website and there is some awful shit (pun intended) shown there.

[Thrilla]

My first question to you would be...why, man, why?  Is she worth it?

Secondly, I think colon cleanses are crocks of shit.  Why not just drink a shitton of bourbon instead?  That way your asshole still erupts like Mt. Vesuvius but you get to get shitfaced in the process.

Health has been and always will be obtained through proper diet and exercise...it's nothing fancy, you know.

[wesfau2]

My first question to you would be...why, man, why?  Is she worth it?

A question that plagues my every waking hour.

Secondly, I think colon cleanses are crocks of shit.  Why not just drink a shitton of bourbon instead?  That way your asshole still erupts like Mt. Vesuvius but you get to get shitfaced in the process.

I told her that I had no problems to begin with.  Regular as the fucking sunrise. 

Health has been and always will be obtained through proper diet and exercise...it's nothing fancy, you know.

Yeah, this is what I keep telling her.  But Shape/Cosmo/late night tv have their way with her.  She is an advertiser's wet dream.  I cringe when she goes grocery shopping alone...I know there's an additional $75 worth of useless shit.

[Snaggletiger]

I bought one of those detoxifying books a couple of months ago.  It's all about juicing, which I get into on occasion but it's such a damn hassle and you gotta' buy like 12 pounds of fruit to get half a glass. Anyways, one thing it preaches, which I've yet to have the guts to do, is go on about a 3 day juicing binge.  Nothing but all kinds of juice concoctions, none of which contain alcohol.  Supposedly, it totally cleans out the system of impurities etc.  

I think there is some merit to it but I'm hesitant to do it because the book gives this long list of potential side effects during the time you're "Fasting".  I'm like "Shit, I don't need no lesions on my nipples and warts on my tongue".

[wesfau2]

"Shit, I don't need no lesions on my nipples and warts on my tongue".

You get enough of that on a busy weekend at the truckstop.

[chinook]

i have always enjoyed a pinch of copenhagen (long cut) and a 20 oz iced mocha (northwesterners thats how we roll) to cleanse the system.  

i agree thrilla, colon cleanses and the like are crocks of shit and fads for the wealthy.

[wesfau2]

i have always enjoyed a pinch of copenhagen (long cut) and a 20 oz iced mocha (northwesterners thats how we roll) to cleanse the system.  

I'm doing fine with my morning bowl of oatmeal and half a pot of coffee.  I like to mix it up occasionally with a shitload of draft beer. 

i agree thrilla colon cleanses and the like are crocks of shit and fads for the wealthy.

I agree, but I'm not wealthy.  Just caught up in a crock of shit (literally).

[Snaggletiger]

You get enough of that on a busy weekend at the truckstop.

True dat'. 

[Ogre]

She must have the bomb-ass poonanny. 

That's the only reason I can see you going through with this.

[Ranger12]

After all my surgeries and the pain meds they had me on, it messed up my system bad. So, I was told to drink two glasses of juice a day (bottled) and that should help me get back on track. Apple juice has worked great for me, so no need for any fancy or pricey remedies.

[wesfau2]

She must have the bomb-ass poonanny. 

That's the only reason I can see you going through with this.

Morbid curiosity is playing a role.

[Thrilla]

Morbid curiosity is playing a role.

I'm envisioning you having a nice dinner at a restaurant with your girlfriend, when all of a sudden it hits you and you're running to the bathroom with one hand firmly pressing against your ass.  You get to the bathroom but don't quite make it, and spray feces all over the toilet and wall, similar to what I did in the Mellow Mushroon in Auburn (ask Ogre).

Good times.

[wesfau2]

I'm envisioning you having a nice dinner at a restaurant with your girlfriend, when all of a sudden it hits you and you're running to the bathroom with one hand firmly pressing against your ass.  You get to the bathroom but don't quite make it, and spray feces all over the toilet and wall, similar to what I did in the Mellow Mushroon in Auburn (ask Ogre).

Good times.

You must tell the whole story, please.  I'm having visions of the Ryan's Steakhouse/Tucker Max Austin Road Trip stories.

[Ogre]

I'm envisioning you having a nice dinner at a restaurant with your girlfriend, when all of a sudden it hits you and you're running to the bathroom with one hand firmly pressing against your ass.  You get to the bathroom but don't quite make it, and spray feces all over the toilet and wall, similar to what I did in the Mellow Mushroon in Auburn (ask Ogre).

Good times.

Or the drive-thru Conoco in Enterprise.  

[wesfau2]

Or the drive-thru Conoco in Enterprise.  

Shits himself frequently?

[Ogre]

Shits himself frequently?

That would be an understatement.  I have to say that my favorite story revolves around him having to shit and puke at the same time, and not sure which oraface to put in the toilet.

Hilarity ensued.

[AUTailgatingRules]

My girlfriend is always bringing home some bullshit in which I have to participate.

I was a vegetarian for two awful months a few years ago, I've had numerous exercise/diet programs inflicted upon me, and now the latest indignity is some 15 day colon cleanse.

To be fair, she does this shit, too, so it's not just me.

So....anyone have any insight/experience with the amazing shit cleaning system?

I'm two days in and nothing out of the ordinary is happening (I suspect nothing will), but I've read the website and there is some awful shit (pun intended) shown there.

If she's doing this "shit" to you now, wait until you marry her.  She will run your fucking life.  I made that mistake with my first wife and thought it would pass with time.  It doesn't it only gets worse.

My advice, RUN FOR THE HILLS NOW while you still have a chance

[Thrilla]

Or the drive-thru Conoco in Enterprise.  

Damn, even I forget the other moments of IBS that I've had.  That fucking door to the bathroon would not open!

You must tell the whole story, please.  I'm having visions of the Ryan's Steakhouse/Tucker Max Austin Road Trip stories.

It's really quite the simple story.  We were there for dinner, (five in total, all dudes) and had been getting drunk and stoned all day.  My diet in college was horrible, like everyone elses.  I had to shit before we left for dinner, but took a huge bong rip which usually (and did) subside my urge to go.  We get to the Mellow Mushroom, drink more pitchers of beer, and eat a shit ton of greasy pizza.  The transition from not-having-to-shit to about-to-blow-a-hole-in-my-pants was immediate and came without warning.  I jumped from the table, ran to the bathroom in the back, and had enough time to close the stall door and drop my drawers...but that's it.  I didn't have enough time to sit down, and as a result sprayed feces all over the wall behind the toilet, the flush handle, and the seat. 

I then wiped my ass and washed my hands, and made every single one of my friends that were with me take a piss before they left so they could see the damages. 

So when you go to the 'shroom to eat some pizza in Auburn and go to the bathroom, remember what went down in the first stall to the left of the urinal.

[wesfau2]

It's really quite the simple story.  We were there for dinner, (five in total, all dudes) and had been getting drunk and stoned all day.  My diet in college was horrible, like everyone elses.  I had to shit before we left for dinner, but took a huge bong rip which usually (and did) subside my urge to go.  We get to the Mellow Mushroom, drink more pitchers of beer, and eat a shit ton of greasy pizza.  The transition from not-having-to-shit to about-to-blow-a-hole-in-my-pants was immediate and came without warning.  I jumped from the table, ran to the bathroom in the back, and had enough time to close the stall door and drop my drawers...but that's it.  I didn't have enough time to sit down, and as a result sprayed feces all over the wall behind the toilet, the flush handle, and the seat. 

I then wiped my ass and washed my hands, and made every single one of my friends that were with me take a piss before they left so they could see the damages. 

So when you go to the 'shroom to eat some pizza in Auburn and go to the bathroom, remember what went down in the first stall to the left of the urinal.

Awesome.  The complete lack of shame in the telling makes the story.

[wesfau2]

If she's doing this "shit" to you now, wait until you marry her.  She will run your fucking life.  I made that mistake with my first wife and thought it would pass with time.  It doesn't it only gets worse.

My advice, RUN FOR THE HILLS NOW while you still have a chance

See, this is the kind of advice and guidance that I value from you assholes.