Christmas is my favorite holiday, but this was the worst one I've ever lived through. With 3 teenagers and a 6 year old, there just wasn't much joy. My youngest amazes me with just how grown up he is. He told his mother that he wanted to go see Santa but understood that it would hurt her heart too much and make her cry, so he didn't have to go this year. I can honestly say that I have never been more ready to turn the calendar and more afraid at the same time. Ready to get 2019 behind us because it has been an absolute nightmare for most of it. On the other hand, it just means I'm that more separated from the last time I got to see her. To be 100% transparent, I just don't want to be here anymore. That sucks because I have other kids that I love with all my heart, but...
I can’t completely sympathize. Nobody can. I also know the last thing you need is empty platitudes and well meaning advice. But...
I was 26 years old when my first wife died in a car accident. She was 21. Her sister who was 16 was also killed that same night in that same wreck.
I wrestled with it. I fought the demons. I went to see people. Preachers who enraged me with their bullshit. Therapists who patronized me and tried to fit me into whatever mental box they’d decided I belonged in based on their surface analysis. I heard my friends and family tell me I had a reason to live. I watched them grow annoyed and frustrated when I didn’t recover according to their timelines and expectations. I listened to people tell me what “she would have wanted†and I thought “fuck them. They have no idea.â€
It’s been more than 25 years. If I’m honest with you? I’m still not “over it.†If you ask my heart I still love her.
I know what you mean when you say you don’t want to be here. I’ve been there. Back then I drove a Thunderbird. One cloudy afternoon after calling my mom and cheerfully telling her I was feeling better I drove that car to the bridge over Mobile bay. I stood at the edge and stared into the abyss. I was done. I didn’t think there was anything left for me. She was gone. The insurance company that was supposed to provide had gone under. I was at least three months from being able to work. I had no money at all. The hospital had already sued me for the efforts to save her life and was on the verge of filing suit for my extended stay as the medical insurance provider battled with the bankrupt and defunct auto insurance company. I had nothing. I was nothing.
I stood there and stared at the water. I asked God why. He didn’t answer. I tried to think of a single reason to get off that bridge and get back in my car. I couldn’t. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and in that moment before I decided to fall I heard a word whispered in my head. “Batmanâ€
Context. While I recovered from the injuries I sustained in the wreck my brother had been bringing me Batman comics to read. On the day I drove to the bridge, I had just finished the third of a four part series. I didn’t know how it ended. I also hadn’t seen the Michael Keaton Batman movie that was coming out.
As stupid as it sounds I decided I’d wait at least until I knew how the comic story ended before I exited. Then as time went on I found other little hooks to keep me going. I’ve had a good life since that day. So many things I would have missed. And as the days passed I got to where I could hear her over my grief. I know she doesn’t want me to hurt. I know she wants me to remember her in a positive and fond way. I don’t always succeed but I try to live in a way that honors her.
I wrote all that just to tell you that I love you. We all do. Please, brother, find your Batman. Find that one little thing to hold on to that gives you one more day. I won’t lie and say it will be easy. But all those people in your life need you.
Also? you need to find out if Gus can pull his head out of his ass!
War Eagle and God bless!
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