I don't know if I can do these every week after what I saw last night.
Auburn
- That was the worst offensive display of football I have ever seen in my entire life. And I do mean offensive. My safe space has been completely violated, and I feel like I need a therapist. I am a dedicated Auburn fan. I want to tailgate in Auburn or at home. I want to bullshit with my family and friends, with a beer in hand, and with the kids playing in the grass. I want to watch every Auburn game win or lose and feel like it's a part of my culture.
- I'm not doing this again. I saw this team last year, and it was awful. I saw it for a good chunk of 2014. I saw it for 2012. I saw it for most of 2011. I'm not going to subject myself to Auburn football if it means watching a completely unprepared team - or part of the team - take the field.
- I disagree with Stan White. And Jesse Palmer. And any other analyst that will say the same thing. Auburn was NOT struggling for an identity on offense. They weren't even trying. Gus Malzahn was not searching for which quarterback to play. He told us straight up that Sean White was the starter. All that meant was that White was getting the first snap of the game. Malzahn has decided to treat the quarterback position like one would a stable of running backs. It was laughable.
- I'm not going to say too much about who I think should start because I have no idea. Like I said before, there wasn't an identity struggle. I couldn't tell you what the different identities were. I don't know what each package was meant to accomplish.
- Does Gus know? Does he know why on 4th and 1 in the red zone he decided to go with Jeremy Johnson in the shotgun with no running backs for a quarterback draw? Has Gus never seen Johnson do the stutter step, half-assed jog, get tackled behind the line of scrimmage play? I saw it like ten times in 2015.
- And unfortunately we got what we've wanted since Tuberville was fired. We've said for years if only we had a defense...you better watch out SEC when we get a defense! And it looks like we got one. That was championship caliber defense against one of the most dynamic playmakers in the country.
- But who cares? I won't. I think I might have one more game in me just to see if Gus gets his head out of his ass and plays ONE quarterback. Maybe, just maybe, Gus will remember that he's not a rich dickhead that drives a BMW i8 around a small college town in Alabama and get back to playing hard nosed football with a strong running game and passes down field to keep the defense on their toes.
- Maybe he won't call plays that snap the ball to a white fullback that does a 360 spin and then runs the ball up the center's asshole. What the fuck was that? We did that play like 3 times. Jesus Christ!
- What worries me the most is that we've had off-the-field behavior issues and our team looks awfully undisciplined on the field. Tray Matthews showed his frustration with the decision to pop an opposing player in the face. I worry that this could get bad over the course of the season. If a Coker-at-Miami brawl ever took place at Jordan Hare, I think I would throw up.
The SEC
- is down. LSU, Tennessee, Miss State, Kentucky, Vanderbilt, South Carolina, Missouri, Auburn, and Arkansas all suck.
Alabama
- is good. As usual.
- And from what I've read and heard already, get ready for the talk that their new quarterback is going to be better than Cam Newton if he isn't already. No I'm not joking. That's going to be the narrative that they push because they have a black kid that can make plays against a defeated Pac 12 team.
College Football
- Goddamn it, I love you college football. Everything about you besides the dominant run Alabama has had over the past decade.
- But you've given me Jay Jacobs. I don't know if I forgive you for it. Jacobs has tarnished Auburn's identity as a program (big screen TVs, rap music blasted over the band, overwhelming corporate sponsors, and the worst coaching hires of all time). Every sport seems to be down at Auburn and the one that was really good last year (equestrian) might get cut. But hey, we have nice shit like buildings and parking lots, so fuck you fans for wanting to see a respectable display of athletics as you come back to the Plains for an autumn Saturday.
- Fuck Jay Jacobs.
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