I may live to regret sharing this news here

[Kaos]

I'm a big fan of letting out the resentment.

All kidding aside, get some shit in writing.  Make sure you both know the ground rules from Day One. 

Make a list of things that Will Not Be Tolerated.  And another of Things That Must Happen. 

Make sure you review that thing regularly.  The honeymoon phase lasts for a while and then there are kids and other things to distract you.  It's pretty easy if you don't have established rules for one or the other to grow complacent and forget why you married each other in the first place. 

I survived a 25 year marriage that was contentious for a long time because we didn't have understandings in place from the start.  I let her do and not do things that annoyed the fuck out of me because I loved her and didn't want to hurt her feelings by bitching.  I'm sure I annoyed the shit out of her too.  Now we are done with the ordeal and both happier.

Among the things I would suggest as non-negotiable:

1) Make time for each other alone.  And not with any ulterior motives.  If every time you take her out to dinner at a decent place or take her to your favorite bar together you're doing so hoping you can get up in that ass?  Eventually ruins the whole thing for her and she will resent it. 
2) Make sure you enjoy each other's company outside of the bedroom.  It's a simple, stupid thing but if she likes to watch Chopped, Flip That House and Diners Dumps and Derelicts and you HATE those shows and the people on them?  You got a problem, son.  It's okay at first, but if you're in the mood to watch Law and Order but can't because there's a fucking House Flip marathon on?  It's going to piss you off.  You need to like the same kind of music, the same kind of bands, the same kind of food even.  Do you know what it's been like for 25 years to have every motherfucking seafood restaurant ruled out from the jump?  I love seafood, but could never go because she didn't like it.  So we'd end up at some shitty Lone Star chain or something because "you can get seafood there.."  Horseshit. 
3) Have clear cut expectations about who does what.  If you want to impress her by saying "no, I got it" every time the dishes are due to be washed at first?  That shit gets ingrained and eventually that becomes your perpetual lot in life.  Make a fucking schedule and share the chores.  Even if it's as simple as "you do everything outside the house and I'll do everything inside." 
4) Don't be an ass.  Pick up your own clothes, don't leave messes laying around.  If you make shit marks in your underwear, have the decency to wash that yourself. 
5) Don't let the dining room table be the mail catchall.  It's a hard habit to break, but just don't start it. 
6) Make it a point to have meals together as a family, especially after you have kids.  That hour or so at the dinner table is vitally important.  It keeps you connected. 
7) Take time to really listen to what she's trying to tell you.  Make sure she understands what you're saying.  Never assume. 
8) It's okay to go to bed mad.  Just don't stay that way.  Whenever you argue with her always, always repeat back to her what she just said to you.  "I'm pissed at you for leaving your shit stained under drawers laying on the bed..."  and you go "Just to make sure, you're upset because my shitty drawers are on the bed, right? "  And then offer a solution. 
9) Don't try to fix everything.  It's the male way to hear a problem and try to figure out some way to fix it.  Women aren't necessarily like that.  Sometimes they just need to say shit to get it out.  If they've had a bad day at work and are pissed at their co-worker they don't want you to offer advice on how to resolve the issue or make plans to solve it for them.  Sometimes they just want to talk about it.  Nothing more.  So listen and sympathize.
10) Tell each other more than just "I love you" every day. Saying that over and over becomes rote.  Find something that you love about her every day and point it out specifically.   I love what you did with your hair, or I love the way your mouth turns up when you smile like that will carry more weight than a hundred mumbled "love ya".  Try to remember one reason you love her every day -- and tell her. 
11) And finally, when you're sitting there in your boxers wondering just when it was that she changed, just remember that you've changed too.  Make allowances for it. 

You outkicked your coverage.  Never forget that either. 

[WiregrassTiger]

1) Make time for each other alone.  And not with any ulterior motives.  If every time you take her out to dinner at a decent place or take her to your favorite bar together you're doing so hoping you can get up in that ass?  Eventually ruins the whole thing for her and she will resent it.[quote]
Would this part apply if WT takes her out to a bar? As a favor for my man the fish, I mean. Helping him out. It would be ok for me to hope this, right?

[Tiger Wench]

9) Don't try to fix everything.  It's the male way to hear a problem and try to figure out some way to fix it.  Women aren't necessarily like that.  Sometimes they just need to say shit to get it out.  If they've had a bad day at work and are pissed at their co-worker they don't want you to offer advice on how to resolve the issue or make plans to solve it for them.  Sometimes they just want to talk about it.  Nothing more.  So listen and sympathize.

THISTHISTHIS. Gotta give Corndog props. He is so good at letting me vent. Some problems (clients, co-workers) CAN'T be fixed but holy shit, I gotta vent somewhere to someone. He is awesome in this respect.

And Corollary to Item 2 - It's great to have common interests, but it is also absolutely ok to do things apart if one person really likes something and the other really doesn't. I volunteer at the nerd convention in Dallas every year and travel up there alone, because that whole scene makes him shake his head. But I love it and he doesn't want me to miss out on doing something I love just because he doesn't. So the trip is my Mother's Day gift. I have friends up there that I hang out with - he trusts me and I give him no reason not to (with the exception of my Hall Pass should Fillion ever decide he must have me or die.) Doesn't have to be an overnight thing - could be golf, spa day, whatever is your thing that isn't hers and vice versa. The trick is not to abuse it. Golf once a month is fine. Golf every single weekend is not. Especially when kids arrive.

TL/DR: You don't have to completely give up everything that makes you "you" just because you are married. Doing things by yourself or with a friend who isn't your spouse is ok sometimes too.

[Kaos]

THISTHISTHIS. Gotta give Corndog props. He is so good at letting me vent. Some problems (clients, co-workers) CAN'T be fixed but holy shit, I gotta vent somewhere to someone. He is awesome in this respect.

And Corollary to Item 2 - It's great to have common interests, but it is also absolutely ok to do things apart if one person really likes something and the other really doesn't. I volunteer at the nerd convention in Dallas every year and travel up there alone, because that whole scene makes him shake his head. But I love it and he doesn't want me to miss out on doing something I love just because he doesn't. So the trip is my Mother's Day gift. I have friends up there that I hang out with - he trusts me and I give him no reason not to (with the exception of my Hall Pass should Fillion ever decide he must have me or die.) Doesn't have to be an overnight thing - could be golf, spa day, whatever is your thing that isn't hers and vice versa. The trick is not to abuse it. Golf once a month is fine. Golf every single weekend is not. Especially when kids arrive.

TL/DR: You don't have to completely give up everything that makes you "you" just because you are married. Doing things by yourself or with a friend who isn't your spouse is ok sometimes too.

Must disagree.  Men need to be outside in the sunshine cursing at each other and acting buffoonish.  No better place for this than a golf course. 

As to the coronary on Item 2.  Yes, it's okay to have some separate interests but when you find yourself in a situation where you thought "opposites would attract"?  It's a bad scene. 

I hate country music, but we had to listen to Fart Brooks, Trisha Yearwood, Patty Loveless and god knows what other godawful shit because that was HER thing. 

I love seafood, but it was off limits unless I went on my own.  Which I did from time to time. 

I like to play golf, she doesn't. I like movies, she'd rather wait for the DVD.  I like concerts, she'd  rather just hear them on the radio. I like going and doing -- whether it be shopping, ball games, festivals, whatever -- she'd rather stay at home.  I like L&O, she'd rather watch the property brothers.  Fuck those guys. 

I knew this when we got married. I knew we were vastly different.   I thought it was "cute" that we had different interests.  Thought it would keep things interesting.  I stupidly assumed that we'd meet in the middle on things and find common ground.  I was wrong. 

One other thing I'll say and then I'm done with this topic -- make sure you're intellectually compatible.  That means not only are you on equal ground "smarts" wise, but you're in pretty much the same boat politically and in regard to religion.  The worst feeling in the world is when you hear your significant other go off on some rant in public about gay marriage or Confederate Memorial Day or something and you think "damn, that's ignorant." 

[dallaswareagle]

Make sure  you keep your own interests. After a while maybe take a "man" vacation and let her take her "female" vacation but also take a vacation together. I just got back from playing golf for 4 days, she is now on her way to California with some wine tasting group she is in. In month we head to the west indies.

Each of you will need your cave time.

[dallaswareagle]

Cali has some great tasting wind, for sure. I have had a lot of wind but there is nothing like breaking wind in California. And you're talking to an upper echelon wind breaker here.

Getting to work 2 1/2 hours earlier than normal (6:00am) makes my already bad typing skills even worst. 

[War Eagle!!!]

This thread sucks.

[Catphish Tilly]

Color me impressed to see this thread veer from a bereavement on the woes of settling down to a lesson on how to make a happy marriage. All kidding aside, although I never posted much until recently, I've followed most of you on this board since the dark ages of existence over on drillpress.com. Knowing most time here is spent busting balls or lack thereof (sorry Snaggs), the sincere advice is much appreciated.

I could've made momma proud and myself miserable by jumping into marriage early and being two kids in by mid-twenties, but that was never my style. Waiting a little later than many has given me the opportunity to witness countless examples of the very things that Wench and Kaos speak of... even as those folks themselves don't realize the effects of their actions/inactions/habits.

The future Mrs. CT and I have a highly favorable odds if the points above are any indication. Even if marrying me might bring her mental capacity into question.

[Snaggletiger]

Read all the advice.  Take to heart what applies to the life you and your bride make for yourselves.  Screw a list.  You won't read it any more than you will New Year's Resolutions.  Just try to make sure you marry someone that's your friend first. 
 

[Godfather]

Read all the advice.  Take to heart what applies to the life you and your bride make for yourselves.  Screw a list.  You won't read it any more than you will New Year's Resolutions.  Just try to make sure you marry someone that's your friend first.

Or thats really hot and enjoys sucking cock.

[Snaggletiger]

Or thats really hot and enjoys sucking cock.

Well that goes without saying, doesn't it?

[dallaswareagle]

Go with what your conscious tells you.



   

[Vandy Vol]

Or thats really hot and enjoys sucking cock.

Isn't that what friends are for?

[Godfather]

Isn't that what friends are for?

Shhhh

[Kaos]

Read all the advice.  Take to heart what applies to the life you and your bride make for yourselves.  Screw a list.  You won't read it any more than you will New Year's Resolutions.  Just try to make sure you marry someone that's your friend first.

So very true and so hard to do. 

I should have married my best friend, but we drew that line and never crossed it. Didn't want to ruin the friendship.  And I was the one that made the decision not to go there when that moment came that we could have.  IDIOT.    She was everything I ever wanted.  Hmmm.  Wonder what she's up to these days? 

[Catphish Tilly]

So very true and so hard to do. 

I should have married my best friend, but we drew that line and never crossed it. Didn't want to ruin the friendship.  And I was the one that made the decision not to go there when that moment came that we could have.  IDIOT.    She was everything I ever wanted.  Hmmm.  Wonder what she's up to these days?

She's fat. Just tell yourself she's fat now.

[Kaos]

She's fat. Just tell yourself she's fat now.

Yeah. But she's not.  I am.  Saw a picture of her a couple of years ago. She was working some refugee thing with her church helping flood, earthquake, tsunami, volcano victims or something.  She aged better than I did. 

I was married 25 years the second time.  Don't consider it 25 wasted because I got two wonderful daughters out of the deal.  But?  I spent a hell of a lot of time in a state of unhappiness. So did she.  Just saying that marriage is a job.  You have to work at it.  Eventually neither of us did I don't guess. I got tired of trying to find something that could make her happy and failing. 

Hope it works out for you and this is the one and only.  I'd be happy to read about your 50th wedding anniversary -- but I won't be alive so it's not going to matter to me anyway.  Just work at it. 

If I could boil everything I've learned over 25 years of drudgery into one thing it would be this:  "As long as you both put each other's needs first and spend part of each day remembering why you loved each other in the first place, you'll be okay."   Once you start putting your own wants ahead of hers (or her yours) the slope gets slippery.  It takes sacrifice on both parts. It takes a willingness to give yourself completely and hold nothing back.  Complete trust. That's a hard thing to do because it stings like a motherfucker when it's not returned. 

[War Eagle!!!]

This thread really really sucks.

[CCTAU]

I should have married my cousin.











Sooner!

[Tiger Wench]

Corndog and I were best friends before we married and we still are now.  It is the most awesome thing in the world - you can divorce people if all you have as a foundation is love/lust, but no one wants to lose their best friend in the bargain. In 13 years married/14 together, the thought of breaking things off has never, not one time, ever been a point of consideration for either of us (we were talking about this just the other night, and he made this statement before I did, so...)  You were smart, Fishie, to take your time, get some stability financially and career-wise, become more mature, etc. before you took the leap.  Good for you both.

Like Dallas said, each of you will need cave time, but not every damn weekend apart.  You don't have to have everything in common, but neither party should dictate to the exclusion of the other. 

K's big mistake was letting her opinions and hers alone dictate what they listened to, what they ate, etc.  I am not a beer drinker, but he is, so we go to a local brew pub to eat every now and then, and I am the DD.  I am willing to compromise and work around my wants and needs to make him happy because I love him - and he does the same for me.  There are very few things I will absolutely refuse - like sit with him at the LSU game.  Otherwise, whatever it is - like holidays with his family - ain't gonna kill me. 

You and the corndoggette will do just fine.