Bad jokes

[CCTAU]

What did Jeffery Dahmer tell his mother when she complained about having his friends for dinner?


"Just move them to the other side of the plate"!

[WiregrassTiger]

What did Jeffery Dahmer tell his mother when she complained about having his friends for dinner?


"Just move them to the other side of the plate"!

This one is too bad to be in this thread. Mods: please delete this joke or start a thread for jokes that are too bad to be in the bad joke thread.

[Buzz Killington]

This one is too bad to be in this thread. Mods: please delete this joke or start a thread for jokes that are too bad to be in the bad joke thread.

Done
http://www.tigersx.com/forum/index.php?topic=23892.80

[Snaggletiger]

bumpitty bump

A guy is driving out in the country and sees a sign in front of a house.

"Talking Dog For Sale"

He's curious so he goes up to the house and asks the owner if it's true about the dog.  The owner says, "Yes it is.  He's around back. Feel free to see for yourself."  So the guy goes to the back yard and finds a nice looking black Labrador. 

He asks the dog, "Can you really talk?"  The dog tells him "Yep, I can talk."  The guy is floored but asks the dog what his story is.  The lab says, "Well, I realized I could talk at a very early age.  I really wanted to help my country so I contacted the CIA. They immediately put me to work and next thing I knew, I was flying around the world to different countries. I became the most decorated spy in the world since I could sit in the rooms of the most important people in the world and get the most secret information from them because they would never suspect a dog could talk."

"After years of that, I got tired and wanted to return home.  Got a job at the airport in security and you wouldn't believe the terrorist threats and criminal activities I stopped just by listening to people's conversations.  I eventually married and we had a litter of pups and well...here I am."

The guy is absolutely amazed.  So he goes back to the owner and asks how much he wants for the dog.  The owner says, "I guess I'll take about $10 bucks for him."

$10.00 dollars????? Why would you sell this dog for $10.00?

The owners says, "Oh, he's just a big bull shitter.  He's never been out of the back yard."

[Pell City Tiger]

A man calls 911 and says, “Help, my wife is in labor!"

The nurse says, “Calm down, is this her first child?”

The man replies, “No. This is her husband.”

[ssgaufan]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her 10 year-old son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
 
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that."

[Snaggletiger]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her 10 year-old son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
 
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a huge dick like that."

You should post something "New".  Wink, wink.  Nod  You know..something NEW.

[WiregrassTiger]

As a society, we sometimes tell jokes about some of the most horrific events--mass murders, disasters, and so on. Often the jokes start within a day or two of the catastrophe, even before the dead can be counted. Perhaps we do it as a coping or healing mechanism, or perhaps it's our only extant type of transmitting oral history in modern times. I'm just not sure. Maybe no one is.

Like you, certainly, I've heard all kinds of jokes about the Holocaust, September 11th, and recent mass shootings. I used to wonder why I never heard a good joke about the Jonestown massacre of 1978, more than three decades after the fact, but then I realized that it was because the punchline was too long.

[Snaggletiger]

Did you know that Crista McAuliffe of the Space Shuttle disaster had blue eyes?

Yep.  One blew this way and the other blew that way.

[dallaswareagle]

Did you know that Crista McAuliffe of the Space Shuttle disaster had blue eyes?

Yep.  One blew this way and the other blew that way.

Last words on the recorder for the Shuttle:


" Not that button bitc"

[Snaggletiger]

I tried to reach Crista McAuliffe but her family said she was vacationing all over Florida.

[AUChizad]

A pastor is checking into a hotel and asks the desk clerk, "Can you make sure that all of the porn channels are disabled?"

The clerk says, "We can't do that sir. We just have the regular-people porn channels, you sick fuck."

[GH2001]

A priest pastor is checking into a hotel and asks the desk clerk, "Can you make sure that all of the porn channels are of young boys disabled?"

The clerk says, "We can't do that sir. We just have the regular-people porn channels, you sick fuck."

[Godfather]

There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club
ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner,
who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."

The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my
way to find a job."

The owner asks, "What do you do?"

The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."

The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking
for
someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me
if you're interested."

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent
and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully
than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"

The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their
Brains Out."

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name
for such a beautiful song.  Do you know any others?"

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this
guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does
ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers, "I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."

The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully and
the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have
to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy
agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed
as the owner was with this man's musical abilities.  After playing two
songs the crowd stood up and applauded.  The guy was really pleased and
stood up to take a bow.  When he stood up and faced the audience, it was
apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.


One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and
balls are hanging out?"

The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"

[Snaggletiger]

A young Indian boy went up to the Chief and said, "Chief, I know that you name every child when it is born.  But, how do you come up with the names?"

The Chief says, "That's easy, every time a child is born, I wake up the next morning and the first thing I see when I walk out of my tee pee is what that child's name shall be.  Like Running Deer or Rising Sun or Great Bear."

The boy looks puzzled so the Chief asks, "Why do you want to know, Two Dogs Fucking?"

[Pell City Tiger]

A dog goes into an employment agency and asks what jobs are available. The woman at the desk says, “Holy shit! A talking dog! There should be a job for you at the circus.”

The dog replies, “Why would they need a plumber?”

[WiregrassTiger]

 A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili." "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it."

So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."

[MarkChand]

Father O'Brien is taking confessions one day. With still a number of parishioners left to go, the urge hits him to immediately use the bathroom.

 Looking around, he spots the parish janitor. "Look, I have to use the bathroom for a few minutes, mind sitting in here and hearing confession until I return?"

 Janitor agrees but notes that he knows nothing about what penance is suitable. "Just tell them to say a couple of Hail Mary's and your are good," says the priest.

 The janitor hears a number of confessions, until one parishioner confesses to having anal sex.

 Not knowing what to do, he spies an alter boy near by. "Pssst. Hey. What does Father O'Brien give for anal sex?"

 Alter boy responds, " Two Snickers and a coke."

[AUTiger1]

What has 9 arms and sucks?
























Def Leppard

[Snaggletiger]

snap