Bad jokes

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #60 on:** May 30, 2014, 03:14:13 PM »

Mickey and Minnie Mouse were in front of the Judge at their divorce hearing. The Judge looked and Mickey and said, "So, I understand you want to divorce Minnie because she's crazy." Mickey replied, "No Judge, I said 'she's fucking Goofy'.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #61 on:** May 30, 2014, 03:18:47 PM »

Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick her candy
But Jack got a shock
and a mouth full of cock
Cause Jill's real name is Randy

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #62 on:** May 30, 2014, 03:19:47 PM »

Chuck Norris isn't even that great. If he was so great, he would come up behind me right now and slam my head on the keybswuhowdbfoecn ejefj cjehcefj.

The Six · « **Reply #63 on:** May 30, 2014, 03:22:58 PM »

Alison Brie: Funny Joke from a Beautiful Woman
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads, "Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?"

She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."

He says, "Well, wash your friggin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

CCTAU · « **Reply #64 on:** May 30, 2014, 03:38:26 PM »

What do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel?

SPARKY!

Kaos · « **Reply #65 on:** May 30, 2014, 04:04:12 PM »

George worked at the pickle factory for 15 years. One day he confessed to his wife an urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

His wife was aghast and told him to see a therapist but George vowed to overcome this urge on his own.

A few weeks later, George returned from work early, crestfallen.

Remember how I told you about that urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer? George asked.

"Oh, George you didn't!" his wife exclaimed. "What happened with the pickle slicer?"

Ummm. Well, she got fired too.

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #66 on:** May 30, 2014, 04:21:49 PM »

Everyone should stop hating on Lance Armstrong. He won 7 Toure De France's on DRUGS!
When I'm on drugs, I can't even FIND my bicycle.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #67 on:** May 30, 2014, 04:53:32 PM »

My friend can always tell when I've been up to no good.

Told him I'd fucked a ginger Somali homosexual quadriplegic dwarf last night.

It was either that or admit shagging Susan Boyle

Godfather · « **Reply #68 on:** May 30, 2014, 05:03:07 PM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on May 30, 2014, 04:53:32 PM

My friend can always tell when I've been up to no good.

Told him I'd fucked a ginger Somali homosexual quadriplegic dwarf last night.

It was either that or admit shagging Susan Boyle

wow...you win, that joke is bad, as in not funny.

You also could have won by posting any of the following:

you naked below the waist
any key and peele skit
a tomato (at least from Kaos)

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #69 on:** May 30, 2014, 05:05:31 PM »

Quote from: Godfather on May 30, 2014, 05:03:07 PM

wow...you win, that joke is bad, as in not funny.

You also could have won by posting any of the following:
you naked below the waist
any key and peele skit
a tomato (at least from Kaos)

Yeah, but it blew em' away over in England. They love me over there.

Godfather · « **Reply #70 on:** May 30, 2014, 05:06:53 PM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on May 30, 2014, 05:05:31 PM

Yeah, but it blew em' away over in England. They love me over there.

Figures, they don't have any balls over there either.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #71 on:** May 30, 2014, 05:12:18 PM »

Quote from: Godfather on May 30, 2014, 05:06:53 PM

Figures, they don't have any balls over there either.

I always fill my ballroom. The event is never small. The social pages say I've got the biggest balls of all.

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #72 on:** May 30, 2014, 05:15:14 PM »

I must admit, even though the thread title reads "Bad jokes", I have had a good time on a Friday afternoon reading all of the hilarious stuff I've posted on here today. It's been a blast.

The Six · « **Reply #73 on:** May 30, 2014, 05:25:05 PM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on May 30, 2014, 05:12:18 PM

I always fill my ballroom. The event is never small. The social pages say I've got the biggest balls of all.

I bet you're huge in Belgium.

Tiger Wench · « **Reply #74 on:** May 30, 2014, 07:15:00 PM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on May 30, 2014, 05:05:31 PM

Yeah, but it blew em' away over in England. They love me over there.

No. No it didn't. And I'm here to testify.

Pick some obscure country next time, dumbass.

Buzz Killington · « **Reply #75 on:** May 30, 2014, 08:47:56 PM »

Quote from: Tiger Wench on May 30, 2014, 07:15:00 PM

No. No it didn't. And I'm here to testify.

Pick some obscure country next time, dumbass.

Did you hear about the winner of the English beauty contest?

Me either.

Kaos · « **Reply #76 on:** May 31, 2014, 08:49:53 AM »

Marvin took Carla to the fair on their first date. After they got there, being a gentleman, he asked her what she wanted to do.

"Get weighed," Carla said.

So they went to the weight guessing booth. Carla weighed 117, the barker guessed 125 and they won a nice stuffed panda.

Marvin and Carla wandered over to the Ferris Wheel and got some cotton candy. When he asked her what she wanted to do next, Carla replied: "Get weighed."

Puzzled, Marvin took her back to the weight guessing booth. The barker looked on curiously, guessed 117 and took Marvin's money.

They went to the house of mirrors and the tilt-a-whirl. When Marvin said 'what now?' Carla replied "get WEIGHED."

So back they went. 117, 117 and Marvin lost another $5.

They rode the Scrambler and Marvin tried a couple of the dart and pitching games without much luck. So what do you want to do now? he asked Carla. And again she answered: Get weighed!!

Now sure she was a weirdo, Marvin took her back to the weight guessing both, handed the guy $5, watched him guess 117 and then led Carla to the car. He wanted nothing else to do with a flake like her so he drove her straight home, shook her hand and drove away.

Carla took her panda and went inside. She was greeted by her roommate Linda who asked "So, how was the date?"

Carla answered: "Oh, Winda. It was wousy!"

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #77 on:** May 31, 2014, 02:16:23 PM »

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?

Does this taste funny to you?

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #78 on:** May 31, 2014, 02:25:06 PM »

A string walks into a bar and hops up on the barstool and orders a beer. The bartender turns around and says, "Hey buddy, can't you read the sign? It says 'No strings allowed'. Now get out." The string walks outside, dejected but determined to get served a beer. So he takes each of his ends and messes them all up then twists himself up like a pretzel in the middle. Walks back in the bar, hops up on the barstool and orders a beer. The bartender pours his beer and hands it to him then pauses to look hard at the string.

"Say, aren't you that string I just threw out of here?" To which the string replies....."No, I'm a frayed knot."

The Six · « **Reply #79 on:** June 02, 2014, 09:08:18 AM »

You can always tell when a Bammer has been over to my place.

The toilet's never flushed and the cat's pregnant.