Bad jokes

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #160 on:** October 15, 2014, 05:30:50 PM »

I was wondering why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets.... then it hit me.

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #161 on:** October 15, 2014, 05:47:47 PM »

How many people with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? â€¦ Wanna go ride bikes?

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #162 on:** October 16, 2014, 12:17:47 PM »

How do you blindfold a Chinaman?

With dental Floss

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #163 on:** October 16, 2014, 12:18:19 PM »

What do you call a Chinese billionaire?

Cha-Ching

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #164 on:** October 16, 2014, 12:19:16 PM »

This old man, a Catholic Priest and a pedophile walk in a bar....and that's just one person.

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #165 on:** October 17, 2014, 10:06:35 AM »

A white guy walks into a bar and asked a black guy for a blow job. The black guy beat the hell out of him and threw him out of the bar. The bartender then asked, "What did he say to you?"

The black guy responded I don't know all I heard is something about a job.

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #166 on:** October 17, 2014, 10:14:08 AM »

A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm. He asks an attorney: "If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?" The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #167 on:** October 17, 2014, 10:17:20 AM »

3 bums were outside a bar. The first one went in and asked for a fork. The second one went in and also asked for a fork. Then the third one went in and wanted a straw. At this point, the bartender became curious. "How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?" "Well," the bum said, "the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone."

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #168 on:** October 17, 2014, 11:19:38 AM »

Quote from: WiregrassTiger on October 17, 2014, 10:14:08 AM

A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm. He asks an attorney: "If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?" The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"

I don't get it. Where's the joke here?

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #169 on:** October 17, 2014, 11:57:34 AM »

Why don't lawyers enjoy golf?

It's too much like work, what with all the lying involved.

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #170 on:** October 17, 2014, 12:27:54 PM »

My girlfriend thinks that Iâ€™m a stalker. Well, sheâ€™s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #171 on:** October 17, 2014, 12:32:32 PM »

I asked the gym instructor â€˜Can you teach me to do the splits?â€™
He said: â€˜How flexible are you?â€™
I said: â€˜I canâ€™t do Tuesdays.â€™

dallaswareagle · « **Reply #172 on:** October 29, 2014, 05:33:07 PM »

A Police Officer pulled over a Speeding Car. The Officer says,

"I clocked you at 80 Miles Per Hour, sir".

The driver says, "Gee, Officer, I had it on Cruise Control at 60. Perhaps Your Radar Gun needs Calibrating".
Not looking up from Her Knitting, the Wife says, 'Now don't be silly, dear,

You know that This Car doesn't have Cruise Control".

As the Officer writes out The Ticket, the Driver looks over at His Wife & growls,
"Can't you please keep Your Mouth shut for once"!?
The Wife smiles demurely & says, "Well Dear, you should be thankful Your Radar Detector went off when it did or Your Speed would have been higher".

As the Officer makes out the Second Ticket for the Illegal Radar Detector Unit, the Man glowers at His Wife & says through Clenched Teeth, "Woman, can't you keep Your Mouth shut"?
The Officer frowns & says, "And I notice that You're Not Wearing Your Seat Belt, sir. That's an Automatic Fine".
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see Officer, I had it on, but I took it off when You pulled me over so that I could get My License out of My Back Pocket".

The Wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that You Didn't Have Your Seat Belt On. You never wear Your Seat Belt when you're driving".

And as the Police Officer is writing out the Third Ticket, the Driver turns to His Wife & barks, "Will You Please Shut Up"!

The Officer looks over at the Woman & asks, "Does Your Husband always talk to You this way Ma'am"?

"Only when He's been drinking".

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #173 on:** October 29, 2014, 05:43:52 PM »

Three guys were at the bar and had been drinking heavily all day. It got to a point where they began to argue over who had the biggest dick. Eventually, they challenged each other to prove who was biggest. The first guy steps up, whips it out and lays it on the bar. The crowd cheers.

The second man does the same and easily passes the first guy. The crowd is amazed.

The third guy reaches in his pants and pulls out a monster that just about stretches across the whole bar. The crowd goes wild.

Just then, a gay guy walks up to the bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

Oh, no thanks. I'll just go through the buffet line.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #174 on:** October 29, 2014, 05:50:11 PM »

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

dallaswareagle · « **Reply #175 on:** October 29, 2014, 06:11:33 PM »

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

Godfather · « **Reply #176 on:** October 30, 2014, 04:04:26 PM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on October 29, 2014, 05:50:11 PM

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

You win /thread

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #177 on:** October 30, 2014, 04:36:31 PM »

A man walked into a bar holding a slab of asphalt under his arm. "A beer please, and one for the road."

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #178 on:** October 30, 2014, 04:38:21 PM »

Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass of Home".

That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome

Is that common

Well, it's not unusual

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #179 on:** October 30, 2014, 04:40:14 PM »

A guy emailed twenty puns to his friends in the hopes that at least 10 of them would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.