Sorority Girls

AU_Tiger_2000 · « **on:** April 23, 2013, 06:19:15 PM »

I present exhibit A of why I did not pursue sorority girls at Auburn (exhibit B would be my bank statement while at Auburn, but that's another matter).

Just read this letter, you will learn lots of new phrases that might come in handy someday, such as "mommy part punt".

http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-deranged-sorority-girl-email-you-will-ever-read

Quote

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. Fucking. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP. I will fucking mommy part punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.

I'm not fucking kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.

AU_Tiger_2000 · « **Reply #1 on:** April 23, 2013, 06:23:05 PM »

And it gets even better.

War Eagle!!! · « **Reply #2 on:** April 23, 2013, 07:47:07 PM »

Quote from: AU_Tiger_2000 on April 23, 2013, 06:19:15 PM

I present exhibit A of why I did not pursue sorority girls at Auburn (exhibit B would be my bank statement while at Auburn, but that's another matter).

Just read this letter, you will learn lots of new phrases that might come in handy someday, such as "mommy part punt".

http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-deranged-sorority-girl-email-you-will-ever-read

You have it all wrong...

This shit is fucking awesome!

AUJarhead · « **Reply #3 on:** April 24, 2013, 12:40:19 PM »

http://totalfratmove.com/1206401/comment-page-2/

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #4 on:** April 24, 2013, 12:48:31 PM »

The comments. Pee in her butt then punt the mommy part.

Godfather · « **Reply #5 on:** April 24, 2013, 12:54:01 PM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on April 24, 2013, 12:48:31 PM

The comments. Pee in her butt then punt the mommy part.

Uncle Sani is humorous.

Vandy Vol · « **Reply #6 on:** April 24, 2013, 12:58:34 PM »

What the fuck is up with her fugly friends? It's like they've got vortex faces or something.

Saniflush · « **Reply #7 on:** April 24, 2013, 01:02:52 PM »

Quote from: Vandy Vol on April 24, 2013, 12:58:34 PM

What the fuck is up with her fugly friends? It's like they've got vortex faces or something.

That's just cause they suck better than a black hole.

AU_Tiger_2000 · « **Reply #8 on:** April 24, 2013, 01:19:12 PM »

Quote from: Vandy Vol on April 24, 2013, 12:58:34 PM

What the fudge is up with her fugly friends? It's like they've got vortex faces or something.

Maybe that's why they wouldn't talk to the Sigma Nu's.

Vandy Vol · « **Reply #9 on:** April 24, 2013, 02:04:45 PM »

Supposedly, these are her tweets (not twat):

http://imgur.com/a/bAJhA

Also:

AU_Tiger_2000 · « **Reply #10 on:** April 24, 2013, 02:11:29 PM »

She seems to have back problems. She can only stand comfortably with her left hand on her hip while arching her back.

Godfather · « **Reply #11 on:** April 24, 2013, 02:27:40 PM »

Quote from: AU_Tiger_2000 on April 24, 2013, 02:11:29 PM

She seems to have back problems. She can only stand comfortably with her left hand on her hip while arching her back.

That is some fucking sorority pose that started like 2 years ago. It is fucking obnoxious.

BTW not gonna lie her morning wood comment made it move.

Snaggletiger · « **Reply #12 on:** April 24, 2013, 02:30:04 PM »

I want to see her nekkid

ssgaufan · « **Reply #13 on:** April 24, 2013, 02:41:36 PM »

Quote from: Snaggletiger on April 24, 2013, 02:30:04 PM

I want to see her nekkid

That's what I'm thinking too.

Saniflush · « **Reply #14 on:** April 24, 2013, 02:44:43 PM »

She isn't smart enough to have tweets that funny

Tiger Wench · « **Reply #15 on:** April 24, 2013, 02:48:29 PM »

Quote from: AU_Tiger_2000 on April 24, 2013, 02:11:29 PM

She seems to have back problems. She can only stand comfortably with her left hand on her hip while arching her back.

That's because the stupid girl has NO tits. That is called the Miracle Bra pose - cocking a hip and arching your back makes what little you have look bigger on camera.

I myself, of course, have never faced that problem. But I can recognize it in the less blessed of my sisteren.

IMO, Miracle Bras are false advertisement.

Tiger Wench · « **Reply #16 on:** April 24, 2013, 02:51:07 PM »

Quote from: Saniflush on April 24, 2013, 02:44:43 PM

She isn't smart enough to have tweets that funny

Agreeance. At least half of those are something she read somewhere else, thought was funny, and stolt.

AU_Tiger_2000 · « **Reply #17 on:** April 24, 2013, 08:00:21 PM »

Quote from: Tiger Wench on April 24, 2013, 02:48:29 PM

That's because the stupid girl has NO tits. That is called the Miracle Bra pose - roostering a hip and arching your back makes what little you have look bigger on camera.

I myself, of course, have never faced that problem. But I can recognize it in the less blessed of my sisteren.

IMO, Miracle Bras are false advertisement.

I do the embarrassed 6th grader who matured early slouch to hide mine.

WiregrassTiger · « **Reply #18 on:** April 24, 2013, 08:51:46 PM »

Quote from: AU_Tiger_2000 on April 24, 2013, 08:00:21 PM

I do the embarrassed 6th grader who matured early slouch to hide mine.

I'm proud of my tits. I can lick them.

Tiger Wench · « **Reply #19 on:** April 24, 2013, 10:51:58 PM »

Quote from: WiregrassTiger on April 24, 2013, 08:51:46 PM

I'm proud of my tits. I can lick them.

"That is so hot," said no woman ever.