So I go out to walk the pup tonight about 10, after a long day slaving away for about 5 1/2 hours on the puter mixed in with cleaning the garage, working on the back yard, and cooking about a 12 lb. pork loin on the grill that had been marinating in Mojo since Thurs morning. Me and the wife had eaten a pretty good chunk of the pork, along with a salad and some wild rice and black beans (the wife is half Cuban and half Dominican, so it's OK to rotate between black beans and red beans, but rice is a daily requirement. Actually not that big of a deal for me, my uncle worked for Riceland most of my life, and we ate rice all the time, the only difference was it was usually with gravy instead of beans).
After dinner I proceed to drink 8 or 10 Coronas while the wife puts the coma in her glaucoma medication, and everything cruises along as nature intended. Unfortunately the pup decides her trip to the park in the middle of the day didn't fulfill her daily requirement of outside walking time, so she starts giving me the stink eye, letting me know it's time to get my fat ass off the sofa and take her around the block.
The walk is going pretty well, but as we turn for home I hear someone calling out. Apparently the Rabbi at the end of the street who never says hi, never waves, and generally looks at me with the typical south florida sneer that says I'd rather spit on you than talk to you has a problem. Now, I am not making this up, this man who has never spoken to me, never waved, and damn near ran my wife and dog over in the street in his mini-van is in a panic. After calling me over and verifying that I am in fact not Jewish, he explains the dilemma. He's got several of his congregation over for the evening, and apparently some of the younger kids are getting crabby and need to be put to bed. Unfortunately the lights in the kid's upstairs bedroom were left on, and now that it is after sundown on Friday none of god's chosen are capable of flicking the light switch to turn off the lights.
At this point, I'm looking around to see if there are cameras recording this or something. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with Judiasm. I basically grew up as a heathen and my religious philosophy can mostly be summed up by the U2 lyric that goes something along the lines of, The God I believe in isn't short of cash mister, so if you have strong-held religious beliefs more power to you. But I found it extremely odd that this man who typically wouldn't give me the time of day was all the sudden my new best friend.
This is where my friendly redneck Arkansas upbringing works against me. Being on the back side of 10 or so Coronas also didn't help, because I try not be an asshole when I've been drinking (some people, including officers hanging outside strip joints talking on their bluetooths might not agree, but I try).
So anyway, half hearted excuses about the dog don't seem to be working and I am reluctant to mention the 12 lb pork loin that may or may not have even been washed off my hands. So I find my drunk ass tying the pup to a tree and walking in this stranger's house, in front of 15 or 20 grown men and women, then proceeding up the stairs to a bedroom with 5 or 6 kids jumping around just having a ball thinking they're going to get to stay up all night because no one can turn off the lights. I face down the evil light switch and heroically bring the darkness, not particularly endearing myself to the kids in the process.
On the way out, I am offered shots of whiskey or vodka by the faithful. I decline, mostly because I am still shaking off a case of the heebee jeebees and just want to get out of the house. I am not sure what gives me such anxiety, I was circumcised as an infant and there are no corn fields growing nearby, but for some reason I have completely lost my buzz and just want to go home.
This little story is not meant to be a criticism of the Jewish faith per se, but I find it odd these people were more concerned about touching a light switch than they were about inviting a stranger (although a friendly, handsome looking one) into their home and their children's bedroom, especially considering there were several lights on in the rest of the house and the air conditioner was cranking. Just strange to me on many levels.
After telling the wife, she says I should have told them to go screw and enjoy their night with the kids going crazy. I wonder if I had mentioned the pork loin that might still be on my hands if they would have told me never mind, the kids would just have to sleep in the garage. Anyway, it's 4:00 now and I am sure they are long gone to sleep while I still try to figure out how in the hell this stuff happens to me. This kind of shit just never happened when I lived in Arkansas.
7 Replies
959 Views