Crime Shows

[Snaggletiger]

Snagette had some surgery Monday morning and we came home yesterday afternoon.  As is the case with hospital stays, you get to watch a ton of TV.  I did.  I'm pretty limited in what I watch for the most part.  A lot of sports and a few select shows.  But Mrs. Snags loves all the Law & Order type crime investigation shows, so I wound up watching about 16 hours of varying versions of those.  The only one I watch with any regularity is NCIS with Mark Harmon. For some reason, I really like that show.  But I saw several over the last couple of days that I'd never seen...and now I wish I hadn't.  One that was okay was Criminal Minds.  Decent cast and not totally overdone.  But one that I can't believe ever made to the screen, quite possibly the worst show I have ever seen.  CSI Miami. 

Holy fuck that is horrible.  David Caruso, a ginger cop who can't say more than one sentence at a time and can't even do that without "dramatically" taking off his shades while saying it and doing his best to give a badass look.  And the writing?  Wow, just wow.  Opening scene, there's a party on the beach.  A guy comes crashing through the tents, completely covered in flames.  He makes it out onto the beach trying to get to the water but falls short and the guests watch the guy burn to a crsipy finish.  Caruso and the medical examiner arrive at the same time.  She kneels over the charred remains and Caruso pulls his glasses off and says..."Cause of death?"  Then the really bad acting started.  Every single cast member on that show was absolutely painful to watch.     

[CCTAU]

Criminal minds has been excellent for years. Mostly about serial killers.

And CSI Miami is always entertaining. The part you are talking about is the inside joke that starts off every episode. After the opening scene, Caruso take his glasses off and says something corny. The last couple of seasons, they started letting other cast members do it.

It is done on purpose.

[dallaswareagle]

Criminal minds has been excellent for years. Mostly about serial killers.

And CSI Miami is always entertaining. The part you are talking about is the inside joke that starts off every episode. After the opening scene, Caruso take his glasses off and says something corny. The last couple of seasons, they started letting other cast members do it.

It is done on purpose.

Nice Job-You just fucked up is whole rant.

[Snaggletiger]

Nice Job-You just fucked up is whole rant.

Nope. That show is god-awful through and through.  I saw more emotion and better acting at my son's Christmas play.

[CCTAU]

Nope. That show is god-awful through and through.  I saw more emotion and better acting at my son's Christmas play.

Most shows don't last ten years by sucking. Don't judge a series by one episode. Sometimes they have to use filler!  But for the most part, the ongoing story lines were pretty good.

[Snaggletiger]

I can't get into any of the "Courtroom drama" type shows.  I'll be watching a scene from a trial and just  going, you can't do that shit in court.  Who writes this stuff?  Real lawyers aren't sitting in their office at 10:00 p.m. discussing cases, eating chinese takeout and drinking bourbon.  Real lawyers post on the X and drink their whiskey at home. Every time you discuss a case with someone in your firm, you aren't served a subpoena on that very same case at that very instant.

You don't think he'd put Riley on the stand, do you?

(Handed papers)

Damn, I guess we just got our answer.

[CCTAU]

I can't get into any of the "Courtroom drama" type shows.  I'll be watching a scene from a trial and just  going, you can't do that shit in court. 

Aren't you the one that has his balls in his wife's purse? (hard to keep up around here.)

If she would let you take them to work, you might be able to do that kind of stuff. Those guys on TV KNOW the law and are big city BADASS lawyers. ALABAMA don't got no big city. You just keep watching and maybe you'll get some pointers.

[JR4AU]

Caruso is the reason I can't watch CSI Miami.  Worst fucking actor EVAH.  Sadly I love Emily Procter but simply can't handle it.

I had surgery a few years back, and that's when I found Criminal Minds, and loved it every since.  Kinda hokey at times, but good show plus AJ Cook is yummy.

If you really want the best crime show ever IMHO, it was "Homicide: Life on the street."  Get the DVDs and watch it. 

Loved NYPD Blue as well, post Caruso of course.     

[JR4AU]

I can't get into any of the "Courtroom drama" type shows.  I'll be watching a scene from a trial and just  going, you can't do that shit in court.  Who writes this stuff?  Real lawyers aren't sitting in their office at 10:00 p.m. discussing cases, eating chinese takeout and drinking bourbon.  Real lawyers post on the X and drink their whiskey at home. Every time you discuss a case with someone in your firm, you aren't served a subpoena on that very same case at that very instant.

You don't think he'd put Riley on the stand, do you?

(Handed papers)

Damn, I guess we just got our answer.

^^^This

[WiregrassTiger]

To sum this thread up, Snags has a crush on Mark Harmon and desecrated the memory of Matlock by insinuating that TV lawyers aren't real.

[Snaggletiger]

To sum this thread up, Snags has a crush on Mark Harmon and desecrated the memory of Matlock by insinuating that TV lawyers aren't real.

They're not real.  I'm 80% sure that most of them aren't.

And Mark Harmon is hawt.

[Buzz Killington]

To sum this thread up, Snags has a crush on Mark Harmon and desecrated the memory of Matlock by insinuating that TV lawyers aren't real.

Perry Mason weeps

[AUJarhead]

I worked a few years ago with a consultant who was married to a girl who worked for the real CSI in Miami.

It's nothing as glamorous as the show has you believe.  She's never made an arrest.  She comes into the scene, takes what she needs, and then usually has an interview with the DA and the lead investigator, where she gives her opinions, and usually has a court date where she states said opinions.

Although we always asked him for the stories from over the weekend.

And according to his wife, the best way to dispose of a body is a wood chipper.

[Saniflush]

And according to his wife, the best way to dispose of a body is a wood chipper.

Gotta think sulfuric acid is right up there as well.

[AUJarhead]

Gotta think sulfuric acid is right up there as well.

I would agree.  But she argued for the wood chipper, since you basically lose cause of death (with the exception of Wood Chippered to Death).

Which I think makes her job harder.

[dallaswareagle]

Perry Mason weeps

As does Arnie Becker.

[wesfau2]

Gotta think sulfuric acid is right up there as well.

I trust Walter White over a guy named Gaear.

[Tiger Wench]

And according to his wife, the best way to dispose of a body is a wood chipper.

Remember the one about the guy up north who killed his wife, froze her body in a chest freezer, and then realized you can't thaw it out fast enough to dispose of it?  So he rented a wood chipper in January and drove out to some lake that was not totally frozen and ran her body through the chipper.  He told everyone she left him and went back to Sweden or whereever she was from.  The only thing they ever found of her was a fingernail - the rest was washed away.  But he got caught because (1) too much blood on the bedroom floor - no one could lose that much and live and (2) she was wearing a bathrobe when she died, and he chipped her still wearing the bathrobe and she had some mail in the pocket of the bathrobe and they found shreds of the mail with her name on it at the same spot as the fingernail and (3) he rented the wood chipper and drove out to the lake during a blizzard and the neighbors were all WTF?  Then they tracked down the wood chipper...

SO don't kill them in a way as to make a lot of blood, make sure they are frozen, choose a logical time to chip and then burn the wood chipper.

Perfect crime.

Gotta think sulfuric acid is right up there as well.

A guy from Piedmont and a buddy were stealing from a local drug lord's pot fields - they got caught, executed and their bodies were dumped in a lime pit.  Everyone in town knows where they are, who did it, and what happened, but no one is saying anything.  The dude's mother puts notices in the paper on his birthday every year begging him to come home.   He was in 7th grade for the third time when I was in 7th grade.  He finally dropped out when he made the magic age of 16.  Cannot say it was an unexpected way for him to die, nor can I say that it was a loss to society.

So lime pits are also a good choice...

[wesfau2]

You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.  And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs.

You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute.

Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".

[Saniflush]

You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together.  And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs.

You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sievin' through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute.

Hence the expression, "as greedy as a pig".

Get the whores to fuckin'.