There was this family in the late 1800's that had moved to Alabama from overseas, believe it was Italy. While they lived in Italy, every summer they would take a trip to India to do some trading and big game hunting. On one such trip, they decided to take the 8 year old dyslexic daughter as they felt she was old enough to tag along and would learn some valuable knowledge of the trading business as well as a chance to buy some silk from China for her doll outfits.
The father enjoyed the big game hunting, but was growing weary of the same that had adorned his walls of his study for the past 5 years so he sought out the most famous tracker and guide India had to offer. His name was Patel, and he had just the target for this man. The elusive Death Bird. The Death Bird got its name from always being found dead. It had a 67 3/4 inch wingspan and a head the size of a small calf. No one had ever seen a Death Bird alive, but one of Patel's friends was thought to have seen one that had recently died because the bird had shit before or during its death and when he stepped in it, his foot immediately dissolved like pop rocks.
The locals even had theories of why this birds shit was acidic in nature. Some say it was the food it ate, others say it feasted upon evil spirits and sucked the blood off of elephant brains. Whatever the reason, this was some deadly shit.
The father agreed to search for this mysterious bird, if only to see and smell the carcass of such a mythical creature and its shit. The mother was busy at the marketplace that day and the daughter begged and begged to venture with her loving father. Hesitantly, the man said she could go, but must ride and stay on the elephant at all times. She would have no idea what lay ahead.
They departed the next morning with Patel and his one legged apprentice with the young daughter in tow aboard the massive smelly elephant in a stable, but shoddy looking wicker basket saddle. About two hours into the trip, they had stopped for water and while doing so, They saw tigers and elephants, dogs and alligators and even some volunteers and a commodore from a nearby shore run from east to west in a thunderous and blazing speed, and just as they saw the first of the stampede run by, an evil gush of air and an eerie brief second of the sun being blotted out by a large airborne object. By the time they had found the scary and insidious flying beast, it was diving in on a sickly elephant. The beast swooped down and its talons almost immediately severed the skull of the elephant from the base of its spine.
The flying beast flew back up and in one more quick swoop, it came crashing down on the elephant, breaking its head clean from the rest of its body with and crushing it open for its brains to be exposed. The beast started to lick the blood from the cuts on the open skull of the elephant and started to quietly and methodically devouring its brains. By this time, Patel had sought refuge in a nearby bush, while the apprentice had hobbled his one legged ass away as quickly as possible. He didn't need no other reason, he knew it was the Death Bird.
The father, obviously shaken and excited at the same time, was easing his way to retrieve his rifle on the elephant the dyslexic daughter was on. She was traumatized but knew what was about to happen. The father took the rifle and with the sound of the round entering the chamber, the Death Bird zeroed in on him and took to flight. He immediately opened fire, when he did, the Death Bird took a hit in its left wing shedding three feathers. As the daughter watched the feathers, she tracked them all the way down to where they landed... One in each of Patel's eyes and one in his throat and out his chest. The father took another shot, this time wounding the bird even more. The bird was shaken and as it flew over, it shat on one of the straps holding the wicker basket that the daughter was in. She fell to the ground and as she looked up, she saw the acidic shit opening a wide enough gap for the elephants intestines to fall on her.
The father was scared and he took one more shot. BOOM MUTHA FUCKA, head calf shot. The Death Bird fell to the ground like sack of feed and while doing so, shat all over the place where it landed in its final resting space. The father was about halfway there but turned around when he heard the muffled screams of his bloody covered daughter. He cut her out of the pile of intestines and carried over to see the body of his new wall trophy. He was in awe of the sight before him and proud of his accomplishment. While further studying the beast, the daughter wandered about 20 feet away where she had saw a shiny object in the middle of Death Bird shit. She was able to gather some leaves and made her a pathway to the shiny object.
As she got closer, she realized it was an egg, being a stupid bitch, she failed to realize that the egg was covered in bird shit. When she reached down to pick it up, the acidic shit ate through her precious porcelain skinned fingers right to the bone. She screamed in agony to something that sounded like "ELGAE RAWWWWWW" The father was hysterical as he saw his daughter crying and pissing on herself with an egg clutched with one finger on her left hand and a thumb and 2 fingers on her right. ATtthis time, the father knew that his daughter had came away with an even bigger prize that he could ever have. A Death Bird Egg... and the life of his dyslexic 8 year old, four fingered daughter.
When they made it back to their dwelling in India, they packed up and left for Italy to gather their belongings and move to the United States out of fear and disgrace from family and friends. They chose east Alabama as the humidity would be a good place to hatch the egg and the daughter could take up piano lessons from a renowned pianist.
Of course as the boat trip overseas was a long one, the Death Bird egg hatched about a week before they were to disembark. Not knowing what to feed it, they would feed it meat and dead hookers. They had to keep in chained up and luckily the meat wasn't affecting the baby birds shit.
Once in Alabama, the family tried to carry on a normal life. The wife had found her a boy toy at a nearby farm. The father was a successful banker and businessman and the daughter had found a cure to her dyslexia by playing the piano. It had seemed that when she played certain notes on the piano, the bird would chirp and squeal and the little girl had no problems speaking or reading right.
One evening, while playing the piano after dinner, the father had asked her daughter dressed in pretty blue and orange silk dress she had made, what she had yelled that day she lost six fingers in a grueling display of loyalty and love. She stopped playing the piano and looked at her father and thought back to that day and said "ELGAE RAWWWWW" The father patted her little head and walked away. With that memory fresh in the girls mind, she turned back to the piano and started playng some simple notes and began to sing along... "War Eagle, fly down the field..." at the very instant, the one year old broke free of its chains, looked at the startled litle girl in her blue and orange dress and burst out of the house in a mad flight.
The bird flew over some corn fields and landed on a couple fornicating in the middle of a cotton patch and devoured the brains of the helpless naked lovers. The bird then looked to the sky and flew to a large gathering of people, leaving the mother and her boy toy laying naked and dead. These people were in abundance and with the the taste of victory and blood in the Death Birds beak, it went on a frenzy, hovering over what seemed to be an endless feast of people. The spectators had looked to the sky and watched in amazement as this glorious beast was circling overhead. The girl and her father quickly arrived at this gathering of people to watch this game known as football. The little girl yelled and yelled, but the bird kept circling, looking for its next victim. Finally, realizing what had happened in the house, the father yelled "WARRRRR EAGLE" and the bird quickly swooped down to the middle of the field where it was retirieved by the father and daughter.
The bird quickly became a legend at Auburn, and the opponents also knew of the killing spree. The spectators soon learned that by saying "War Eagle" in unison, the opposing teams would become apathetic and would lose all of their manhood. The 6 fingered, dyslexic daughter had started an Auburn legend still in use today. The rest is history. Out.
13 Replies
3293 Views