General James Mattis Announced As Next Commandant Of Marine Corps

[Saniflush]

The Corps and the country sleeps better for the next four years.

Washington, D.C. – In a controversial move sure to send shockwaves throughout the Corps, President Obama announced today that Commandant of the Marine Corps General Jim Amos will soon be replaced by General James Mattis.

Amos indicated his plans to resign early — having served only two years out of the four-year term as Commandant — saying that “he’s getting too old for this shit.”

“I’m just sick of dealing with these savages in the press and in Congress. They keep asking me questions about snipers pissing on people, nazi flags, and other crap,” said Amos. “I figure Jim [Mattis] will certainly know how to handle them.”

Not one to mince words, General Mattis is known for controversial quotes — once telling a reporter that it was “fun to shoot some people,” and that his Marines should always “have a plan to kill everyone they meet.”

Mattis, who announced his plans for retirement months ago, is being recalled for the position as top commander at a time when the Marine Corps transitions from combat to peace.

“This transition stuff is all a bunch of crap,” said Mattis, after returning from a 30 mile ruck run with an 80-pound pack. ”Our Corps will always be killing people. Even in peace time, I’ll find someone for our boys to kill out there. Yeah, I’m talking to you Iran.”

When reached for further comment on his promotion, Mattis was glad that he would be staying in uniform.

“When I announced my retirement, it was at a time when death by PowerPoint was my entire day. I thought I had missed my chance for Commandant,” said Mattis, after spitting out his Red Man chew and downing a double-shot of Jack Daniels. “But now that I am receiving this promotion, it means most of my job is to visit our boys overseas — Afghanistan, Djibouti, Libya — and I can get closer to the action again.”

Mattis is excited that he can leave the briefing room to get back to “systematically tracking and killing the nation’s enemies with his bare hands,” but he also has other plans for sweeping changes across the Marine Corps.

“This policy that doesn’t allow sleeve tattoos is a bunch of horseshit,” said General Mattis, as he shows off his own full-sleeve tattoos running down both arms. “So that’s the first thing to go.”

Another policy change includes a change to physical training. While most infantry Marines can probably keep up with the General on runs, Mattis says that he wants everyone to live up to the ethos of “Every Marine a Rifleman.”

“These air wingers and admin folks think they are sitting pretty, only heading to the gym or not doing PT at all,” said Mattis, in between his third round of 350lb back squats. “So I’ll also be leading them in 15 mile runs until they shape up.”

Finally, Mattis says he’ll reverse the no-hazing policy that Marines have been under since the nineties, saying that it’s “good goddamn training.”

“Listen, I don’t like stupid shit,” said Mattis. “but if you’re one of my fine young men about to go on deployment and you have a boot who isn’t listening, I think it’s a valuable training tool to duct tape him to a bench, mentor on an emotional level with a wall-to-wall counseling session, or make him dig a hole to China.”

Mattis continued: “I mean hell, that’s where we’re going [China] eventually anyway. Might as well train like we fight.”

General Mattis is expected to take command at the beginning of the new fiscal year.

[Snaggletiger]

Now that's some funny shiot

[WiregrassTiger]

Yep. Read it in the Journal this a.m. Feel good about this guy.

[Tarheel]

The Corps and the country sleeps better for the next four years.

This is not the kind of person that I'd expect The Pharaoh to have chosen; someone softer and more politically minded in his speaking (read as 'PC')...and gayer perhaps given his attitude about the military.

Great read.  And great choice.

[GH2001]

This is not the kind of person that I'd expect The Pharaoh to have chosen; someone softer and more politically minded in his speaking (read as 'PC')...and gayer perhaps given his attitude about the military.

Great read.  And great choice.

Election time. Don't put it past him.

[Saniflush]

Ok just so none of you are hooped, this is a satire piece. 

[Snaggletiger]

Ok just so none of you are hooped, this is a satire piece.

I was wondering if everyone thought that was fo realz.

[AUTiger1]

Ok just so none of you are hooped, this is a satire piece.

I was wondering if anyone was going to get it?

I did look up some quotations on Mattis last night and I love that man.

"I come in peace. I didn't bring artillery. But I'm pleading with you, with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I'll kill you all"

"When Gen. Abrial arrived to relieve me as the supreme commander, only don’t ask, don’t tell kept me from hugging and kissing him"

"Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet."

"I were to sum up what I've learned in 35 years of service, it's improvise, improvise, improvise."

"You go into Afghanistan, you got guys who slap women around for five years because they didn't wear a veil. You know, guys like that ain't got no manhood left anyway. So it's a hell of a lot of fun to shoot them. Actually it's quite fun to fight them, you know. It's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to shoot some people. I'll be right up there with you. I like brawling.

 "a country that armed Stalin to defeat Hitler can certainly work alongside enemies of al-Qaida to defeat al-Qaida."

What a great American!

[GH2001]

Ok just so none of you are hooped, this is a satire piece.

Hey, I was just following Dean Smith's lead 

You and your extreme hyperbole!

[AUJarhead]

I didn't like it when he mocked the Air Wing.

[Saniflush]

I didn't like it when he mocked the Air Wing.

Sounded like truf to me.

[Tarheel]

Ok just so none of you are hooped, this is a satire piece. 

This is why I do not leave the political forum often.  I saw this "article" posted all over teh FB too.

Hey, I was just following Dean Smith's lead 

You and your extreme hyperbole!

Blind leading the blind.  Sorry buddy.

[Saniflush]

This is why I do not leave the political forum often.  I saw this "article" posted all over teh FB too.

Blind leading the blind.  Sorry buddy.

Ok so just so you know where this came from.  http://www.duffelblog.com/


Think of it as the military version of "The Onion"

[ssgaufan]

Here's another good one,

Fort Bragg, NC – The White House Press Office announced today that President Obama will soon be inducted into the Special Forces Association and receive an honorary Green Beret.

Officials have said the honor will be bestowed in an upcoming September 11th ceremony at Fort Bragg.

The honorary beret comes in recognition of the President’s decisive role in covert operations throughout the world during his term — including the killing of Osama bin Laden last year in Pakistan, and his combat action in Afghanistan months ago.

Army Public Affairs has confirmed that Lieutenant General Charles Cleveland will personally present Obama with his beret and a specially engraved Fairbairn-Sykes combat knife.

The knife, traditionally used by elite soldiers world-wide since the beginning of the 20th century, will have the President’s name stamped on the blade, along with the names of deceased Special Forces Medal of Honor recipients Randall Shugart and Gary Gordon, immortalized in the novel and film Black Hawk Down.

The presentation will be in a small but highly anticipated ceremony at the John F. Kennedy Special Warfare Center.

The White House released a statement saying that the President is proud to be recognized for his accomplishments and role in ridding the world of dangerous enemy actors, and restated his firm determination to “continue doing his best to keep the country safe from those that would do her harm.”

Obama also stated that although he had never seen the Black Hawk Down film, or read the book, he was still proud to be counted among the ranks of the most elite Special Operations soldiers.

During a late afternoon briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney fielded questions, including one about the possibility of the President also receiving a Navy SEAL trident.

“The President has in fact already received his Trident from the SEAL community,” said Carney. “He was honored to accept the insignia during a private ceremony in California, a week after his gutsy call where he singlehandedly took out bin Laden.”

When Carney was asked who had initiated the calls for President Obama to be given the illustrious honors, he hesitated before replying, “we’ll dig into it.”

Pentagon officials, taking note of the President’s extensive knowledge and experiences in special operations throughout the world, is also exploring the possibility of making him an honorary member of the 160th Special Operations Aviation Regiment (SOAR), 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta, the Air Force 24th Special Tactics Squadron, and Marine Corps Force Reconnaissance Company.

[Tarheel]

Ok so just so you know where this came from.  http://www.duffelblog.com/


Think of it as the military version of "The Onion"

Yeah, it's a little late for that.  Citations and Sources please next time...no source cited is like a damn Democrat with a "news" item on Huffpo or PerezHilton or DailyKos...or MSNBC...I thought better of you, Sani!

{I keed of course.}

[GH2001]

Here's another good one,

Fort Bragg, NC – The White House Press Office announced today that President Obama will soon be inducted into the Special Forces Association and receive an honorary Green Beret.

Officials have said the honor will be bestowed in an upcoming September 11th ceremony at Fort Bragg.

The honorary beret comes in recognition of the President’s decisive role in covert operations throughout the world during his term — including the killing of Osama bin Laden last year in Pakistan, and his combat action in Afghanistan months ago.

Army Public Affairs has confirmed that Lieutenant General Charles Cleveland will personally present Obama with his beret and a specially engraved Fairbairn-Sykes combat knife.

The knife, traditionally used by elite soldiers world-wide since the beginning of the 20th century, will have the President’s name stamped on the blade, along with the names of deceased Special Forces Medal of Honor recipients Randall Shugart and Gary Gordon, immortalized in the novel and film Black Hawk Down.

The presentation will be in a small but highly anticipated ceremony at the John F. Kennedy Special Warfare Center.

The White House released a statement saying that the President is proud to be recognized for his accomplishments and role in ridding the world of dangerous enemy actors, and restated his firm determination to “continue doing his best to keep the country safe from those that would do her harm.”

Obama also stated that although he had never seen the Black Hawk Down film, or read the book, he was still proud to be counted among the ranks of the most elite Special Operations soldiers.

During a late afternoon briefing, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney fielded questions, including one about the possibility of the President also receiving a Navy SEAL trident.

“The President has in fact already received his Trident from the SEAL community,” said Carney. “He was honored to accept the insignia during a private ceremony in California, a week after his gutsy call where he singlehandedly took out bin Laden.”

When Carney was asked who had initiated the calls for President Obama to be given the illustrious honors, he hesitated before replying, “we’ll dig into it.”

Pentagon officials, taking note of the President’s extensive knowledge and experiences in special operations throughout the world, is also exploring the possibility of making him an honorary member of the 160th Special Operations Aviation Regiment (SOAR), 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta, the Air Force 24th Special Tactics Squadron, and Marine Corps Force Reconnaissance Company.

thanks for the laugh.... 

[Saniflush]

Yeah, it's a little late for that.  Citations and Sources please next time...no source cited is like a damn Democrat with a "news" item on Huffpo or PerezHilton or DailyKos...or MSNBC...I thought better of you, Sani!

{I keed of course.}

Will Wikipedia do?

[Tarheel]

Will Wikipedia do?

No.

[Saniflush]

No.

Chad does not approve.