To non-Alabama-Fans Alabama Fans,
This is a plea from the sane spectators of college football. We have watched for five years a growing cesspool of college football, dry humping morons litter this spectacular sport with abrasive, fantastical, boorish rhetoric that is rooted in nothing more than blatant, irrational homerism. This cesspool is commonly known as Tuscaloosa, and yes, it does house a respectable institution of learning.
For some reason unbeknownst to me, this university fails to teach its alumni and sidewalk fans proper etiquette when it comes to sportsmanship. To them, the fall season was created to showcase the splendor of Alabama football. All other teams are mere pawns used to broadcast the glory of the Mount Football Olympus, and led by Nick Zeusban, the Herculean juggernauts march through a 14 week parade while enjoying the endless showers of gifts, plaudits, and trophies. That's what they think - no, that's what they sincerely believe.
The somewhat-normal-looking Mom and Pop you see driving the suburban with houndstooth flags and a scripted A are not normal people. They are delusional. They see football as their birthright, and they are not to be pandered to, praised, or conversed with.
So, this is a plea to the non-Alabama-fans who are for some reason deciding to cheer for Alabama. This is to you, Georgia fan that I work with. This is a letter asking you to not advance the unsound idea that Alabama is going to simply "reload" this year.
Perhaps you need more of an explanation. Why should you not listen to the psychotic, obsessed fans that dominate all message boards with their masturbatory fodder? They seem to know their football and have 14 national championships to support it, right?
Wrong. Their past is irrelevant. Their claims are irrelevant. Their minds are warped and obscene. They have no respect for the game and no respect for the tradition of the game.
So let me give you just a little hint of rational thought when it comes to analyzing Alabama for 2012.
Alabama lost Trent Richardson, Courtney Upshaw, Dont'a Hightower, Mark Barron, and Dre Kirkpatrick to the NFL draft. Four of those five players were big time contributers to the 2009 national championship team and all five were pivotal for the 2011 team. Do you really believe that Xzavier Dickson, a redshirt freshman that has never seen the field, will just step in and replace Upshaw? Nico Johnson is going to make the nation think Hightower never left? Robert Lester, who was outshined by Barron for three years, is going to step into Barron's shoes? Dee Milliner or a JUCO transfer is going to replace a top ten draft pick in Kirkpatrick? Eddie "My Foot Hurts" Lacey is going to replace an arguable legendary SEC running back in Richardson?
Let that sink in for a moment.
Don't believe the lies. This isn't just a letter to my Georgia co-worker who may have been misguided now that he's lived in Alabama. This is an open letter to all non-Alabama-fans who suddenly are all about Alabama. Guys in the media. People on message boards. Gamblers making bets. Most importantly, opponents of the ego-inflated Tide.
Hopefully you understand my point and will promptly shut up about this season being Alabama's playground save for one day in early November.
Sincerely,
THS
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