Project X: The SEC Network

[AUChizad]

http://friendsoftheprogram.net/2012/05/31/the-sec-network-is-going-to-be-an-epic-party/

The SEC Network is Going to Be an Epic Party
May 31st, 2012 by Bunkie Perkins · 1 Comment

The most significant news to come out of the SEC meetings in Destin this week (besides the revelation that James Franklin will judge your recruiting ability upon the do-ability of your wife) was possibility that, as part of the new SEC television deal, a SEC Network will be introduced.   No official announcement has been made regarding the network at this point, but it already has an awesome super secret name among the pwoer players in the conference, a name that will inevitably lead to a house party with underage drinking, midgets popping out of convection ovens, and chicks skinny dipping in the neighbors pool…either that or radiation experiments involving chain smoking chimpanzees and Matthew Broderick in a bomber jacket.

    Project X — seriously that’s what it’s called behind closed doors — is the codename for the soon-to-be SEC network. SEC commissioner Mike Slive was asked about the progress with the SEC network and he wouldn’t provide many — well, make that any — details.

    “We’re talking with television partners about our television future,” said Slive, who offered no other information on the SEC network.

    The SportsBusiness Journal first reported last week that ESPN is negotiating with the SEC about an SEC-branded channel.

    Bjork and other SEC athletic directors attending the league’s spring meetings at the Sandestin Beach Hilton said how much revenue the network would be worth has not been shared with the league members.

    By comparison, the Big Ten Network’s $2 billion, 20-year deal — it’s five-year anniversary is next month — is worth $8.2 million per school annually, sources told CBSSports.com. However, Bjork believes an SEC Network would be worth more.

    “Looking at the TV distribution and households were in now, I think it will be every bit as big as the Big Ten Network,” Bjork said. “What’s your distribution model? The footprints we’re in now, pretty much covers a big swath of the country. To me, the upside is tremendous.”

    An industry source told CBSSports.com, however, he believes an SEC network, while still unknown exactly what it will consist of, would not be worth as much as the Big Ten Network, which currently has 51 million subscribers.

With all of those potential subscribers, the SEC is going to need some quality programming to fill up all of those viewing hours during the week.  After the jump, we’ve got a few ideas.

    Flip this House with Nick Saban.  You remodel your home.  Nick Saban comes over and tells you what a shit job you did and then flips you off as he shuts the door behind him.

    The Phil Fulmer Afternoon Matinee, presented by Krisy Kreme.  Watch and see if Coach Fulmer can eat a whole box of donuts and stay awake for the entirety of what is likely some Charles Bronson movie.

    Arkansas Temptation Island.  Several Arkansas football players are placed on an island with an unlimited supply of laptops, refundable text books, scooters, underage girls, weed, guns, and alcohol.  Any players making it through a week without committing a crime or NCAA violation are allowed to retain their scholarships.

    Real Housewives of Nashville.  All of the coaches wives at Vandy vie for the approval of James Franklin.  Drama arises when one of the wives makes a snide remark about another wife’s drinking problem/wig/parenting skills/plastic surgery.

    Late Night with Gene Chizik.  Every night it’s just Gene Chizik interviewing himself…with sidekick Trooper Taylor there to wave the towel to pump up the monologue jokes in the opening.

    The Bill Dance Fishing Hour.  Television fishing icon Bill Dance takes Derek Dooley out fishing every week in an attempt to make him seem likable to the public.  Dance ends up throwing him off the boat and drowning him by episode 4.

    CSI: Batesville A special team of investigators, led by Rick Cleveland and rogue cop Ice T, delve into the seedy world of South Panola and kingpin Lance Pogue, uncovering drug sydicates, academic casualties, and general laziness and apathy.

    80′s Memphis Wrestling Flashback For those lazy Summer Saturdays before the season starts.  Hosted every week by yours truly and one of the Moondogs.

    Joy Junction starring Hugh Freeze  Coach freeze revives Saturday Morning 80′s Christian children’s show.  it’s well received until Freeze introduces his ventriloquist act with a dummy that looks entirely too much like Ed Orgeron and they begin to discuss the temptations of pornography.

    Hands On with Will Muschamp.  Follow Coach Muschamp on his daily excursions into the Everglades where he goes around killing small vermin with nothing but his bare hands.

    Lester Lately.  A nightly show where Les Miles interviews guests and is joined by a celebrity panel of his choosing.  Most of the time the panel is just carboard cutouts of Bo Schembechler.

    PAAAWWWWLLL in the Family.  Noted Birmingham radio host Paul Finebaum goes to live with some of his more famous callers for a week.  Things get a little uncomfortable when Tammy lays out the sleeping arrangements.

    The QB House.  You just put Jared Lorenzen, Steve Tanneyhill, Josh Booty, John Fourcade, Stephen Garcia, Ryan Mallett, Eric Ainge, Rex Grossman, and Quincy Carter in a house and film it.

    A Jackyll Abroad.  Jackie Sherrill travels the world.  Hilarity and possibly NCAA violations ensue.

    The Houston Nutt Show.  Think Dr. Phil but more folksy.  Heppin’ people in an hour or less, plus commercial breaks.

[AU_Tiger_2000]

Arkansas Temptation Island.  Several Arkansas football players are placed on an island with an unlimited supply of laptops, refundable text books, scooters, underage girls, weed, guns, and alcohol.  Any players making it through a week without committing a crime or NCAA violation are allowed to retain their scholarships.

Thanks, I just shot leftover chicken out of my nose.

[Godfather]

The Houston Nutt Show.  Think Dr. Phil but more folksy.  Heppin’ people in an hour or less, plus commercial breaks.

This did it for me

[Saniflush]

This did it for me

Ditto.  Saved the best for last.

[GH2001]

This did it for me

Heppin'

That cracked me up. Because it's true.

[Vandy Vol]

I'd just like to point out that if your wife ain't smokin' hot, then Franklin doesn't want your beta bitch ass.

He could go 3-9 next season and I'd probably still like the guy because of his attitude.  But then again, 3-9 seasons are no stranger to me, so maybe that's more complacency than anything else.

While in Destin on Wednesday afternoon, Vanderbilt head coach James Franklin told Clay Travis on 104.5 The Zone that he evaluates the appearance of coaches’ wives during the interview process. Franklin, in a relaxed mood near the beach, explained, “I’ve been saying it for a long time, I will not hire an assistant until I see his wife. If she looks the part and she’s a D1 recruit, then you got a chance to get hired. That’s part of the deal. There’s a very strong correlation between having the confidence, going up and talking to a woman, and being quick on your feet and having some personality and confidence and being articulate and confident, than it is walking into a high school and recruiting a kid and selling him.”