During a recent trip to Boston I kept having the reoccurring thought that “I could never live here”. After having this thought countless times over the weekend I began to wonder on the flight back to God’s country, exactly what had brought me to this harsh conclusion? What I realized is that I had a list of things that if your desire is to live in or around Boston that you should/should not do.
1. If you walk into your hotel the afternoon of your arrival and find a line to check in, you SHOULD NOT ask the Guido standing in the back of it if “he is in line to check in or if he is guarding the luggage” that he is as equally close to. You more than likely will get a “fuck you”. Apparently Guido’s in Boston have no sense of humor. (they also apparently don’t know what soap is)
2. Once you have checked into your room and settled in you SHOULD NOT mix a bourbon drink and walk down the sidewalk with it. The local popo seem to have a bug in their collective asses about open containers. Of course they seem to have no problem with all the beggars on the street hassling people who are walking by.
3. When drinking at an establishment with others you SHOULD NOT allow anyone to slip on the wet floor while getting up to go to the bathroom. If they have no choice but to slip they SHOULD NOT do it while the bartender is watching because instead of getting the wet floor cleaned up they will cut you off under the pretense of you being drunk.
3a. If said person in your party has been cut off you SHOULD NOT take it upon yourself to buy said person a drink after the bartenders tell you that if they see them drink any of it you will be told to leave.
3b. When said person in your party has been seen drinking someone else’s drink by the bartender and your party is asked to leave all under the guise of your party being drunk, you SHOULD follow them down the steps out onto the street as loudly as possible ensuring that the other patrons know what happened.
3c. If you are the bartender/bouncer who has done this, you SHOULD realize that once said party is on the street/sidewalk outside the establishment you have no legal right to hassle them and calling the cops will only make everyone in the bar realize that you are a dumbass who kicked out mostly sober people because of you inability to keep a clean dry floor.
3d. If you are the party who has been kicked out you SHOULD take 30 to 45 minutes out of your evening warning all other people who are about to enter that establishment what has happened. If you are the bartender/bouncer you SHOULD NOT try to forcefully remove said party from the sidewalk while the popo is watching. This will result in said party being asked if they want to “file assault charges”?
4. At the end of the evening you SHOULD walk by said bar on the way home and hang the bird at all bartending staff for at least 5 minutes.
5. When you awaken the following morning you SHOULD NOT plan on eating breakfast in the hotel. You will end up paying $40.00 and not even get any biscuits and gravy. Go for the Duncan Doughnuts a block away. (in Boston you are never more than a block away from a Duncan Doughnuts)
6. If you are looking for really hot women in Boston you SHOULD NOT.
7. If you are a native Bostonian and you have made fun of a visitor from the Southern area of the country you SHOULD NOT let that same Southerner see you passed out in the men’s room and not expect to later wake up smelling of puke and urine. (your puke – my urine) That’s right jackass. We don’t got no indoor plumbing in the South. That’s why I didn’t know to hit the toilet instead of your metro-sexual pants and shirt. On a side note…If your shirt is not tucked in it is just a fucking blouse.
8. Just because some folks from Boston were the ones who chunked the king’s tea into the harbor, a Bostonian SHOULD NOT think that this great country was created solely by people from that area. Southerners have been at the forefront of every fight for rights this country has ever been involved in. We love to fight. It’s in our blood and heritage. Always remember that Southerners had been growing corn a number of years before the pilgrims made it across the pond.
9. In regards to sports, Bostonians SHOULD realize that when people talk badly about whatever professional sport they are currently obsessing over it’s not jealousy. We really just don’t care. If it’s not college football, it doesn’t count. Game over.
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