Farts. Always funny?

[JR4AU]

Assuming it's not one of those beer induced or old man farts that goes shittasticly wrong, do they ever cease being funny?  I laugh every time I hear one. 

Funny fart story from HS:  I was in 9th grade.  Mr. Vance taught Mechanical Drawing.  He was a very quiet, and proper black man.  Not much personality, but not mean.  Most liked him.  His wife was a dragon bitch that taught accounting, but he was nice.   He gave us our drawing assignments, and he read the paper.  Every once in a while, he'd peek over his paper, and remind us to "Roe-tate dem pee-yoncils" to keep the lead of the mechanical pencil sharp.  The room was a tile floored room unlike most that had carpet.  We sat at drawing tables atop those hard metal and fiberglass stools.  One day, out of the blue, Hill, who sat a couple of desks away from me decided to rip one.  We're drawing, the room is silent.  Then:  Bbbbrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiipppppppppppppppp!  The stool magnified it, the floor practically vibrated.  In third grade, this would have been embarrassing, and kids would have made fun, but now we're testing the waters of teenhood, and it was funny, but nobody was sure what Mr. Vance would do.   We all laughed, but watched Mr Vance.  He slowly let his paper fold in half so he could see over it, we went silent, and he stared around the class, and said in a low calm voice: "Who..............in...de...hell...........was.....dat!?"

Good times....feel free to share.

[Townhallsavoy]

I have an aversion to other people's farts. 

I'm not sure why.  I think it started when I was around 15.  I was eating breakfast and my father was reading the newspaper.  He ripped a huge, nasty-sounding fart.  I got pissed because I was eating but more so because I was already angsty as most 15 year olds are, and it was his reaction that pissed me off.

"Oh, I forgot that you don't fart.  Farts never happen with you." 

The next time I let an audible one go around my dad?  Same kind of thing.

"Wait I thought you didn't fart!  I thought you were the anti-fart guy!" 

And then it would somehow get brought up with company.  My friends come over?

"Hey guys.  Don't forget not to fart." 

And so from then on, I get annoyed by farts.  Of course, my male students figure this out eventually, and every year, I deal with the boys farting like crazy until a girl voices her disgust which shuts their cheek flappers up for the rest of the school year.

[Kaos]

There are really two kind of people in the world.  Those who are amused by flatulence and those who are not. 

About ten years ago I was eating with my family in DeSoto's in Gulf Shores.  Restaurant was crowded, we were upstairs.  At the table next to us was an enormous bulk of a man who was straining the wooden chair that was desperately attempting to keep its glue together. 

He drops a napkin.  Bends down to reach it and with his gargantuan ass slightly raise unleashes the Satchmo of butt trumpets.  It's like a truck horn went off. 

The restaurant which had been lively with chatter went almost silent.   The dude says nothing, rearranges his napkin and resumes eating. 

There's this long pause while everyone else is looking around, eyeing each other wondering what to do.  In the middle of that silence somebody (likely my dad) blurts out "Holy shit." 

Fart dude never missed a beat.  Kept on chowing.  But half the restaurant was howling with laughter.  A few -- like my mom, who never finds farts funny -- were staring down Mr. Ass Blaster with an icy glare. 

My ribs were sore from laughing the next day. 

------

And everybody has one of these. 

Old preacher, small country church.  Got to be like the big boys and get him all wired for sound.  So he does his prayer, the choir starts in with the caterwauling pre-sermon anthem and preacher zips off for a pressing potty break. 

He forgets to turn the mike off.  So he's humming along with the anthem, screwing up the words, pissing... and then he hits a couple of notes on the butt trumpet, harrumphs a couple of times and ducks back out just in time for the Amen. 

Another stunned silence.  Until this dear old lady who sits over on the left hand side every Sunday and isn't afraid of a little off-kilter humor starts giggling.   Preacher is up there checking his robe to make sure it's not tucked into his pants, looking for zippers and the laughter just keeps rolling. 

Later he tells me his pants are usually unzipped under the robe and he was worried about that.  Can't remember to zip them up. 

I thought that was strange but after turning 4X-ish I couldn't tell you the number of times I've reached down, found that hole open and had no idea how long I'd been parading around like that.  It's one reason I prefer shirts untucked.  Less likely to show. 

[AU_Tiger_2000]

We went on a Memorial Day weekend to trip from Auburn with a bunch of friends to Orange Beach (14 people in one condo was the only way we could afford to go).  On the way back it was my future wife, my roommate, and me in my gf's Mustang (it was super keen).  I am cramped up into the backseat and have beer/Lambert's churning together in my bowels.  I start releasing noxious clouds silently into the car.  It doesn't take long before I hear a discussion from the front seat.

My God! What is that?!

I don't know.  That's horrible!

Is it a skunk?  Did we hit a skunk?

It doesn't smell like a skunk.  Smells like something nasty on fire.


I start commenting on the paper mills in the area.  I have them convinced that it is the numerous paper mills in Lower Alabama until we get until Montgomery at which point I fess up.  I figure if she married me after that then I have no worries.

[Snaggletiger]

The Satchmo of butt trumpets?  Holy shit.  Now that's good reading.

Me and two other guys are headed up to Troy to catch some regional high school basketball playoffs.  That day, prior to the trip, I had been firing off some vile smelling cheesey blasters.  Once in a lifetime gas.  All I could think of was how much "Fun" this hour trip was going to be.  I'm driving and about 10 minutes of driving up 231 North, my stomach gives me the go-ahead signal.  Ease my hand over to the window lock button and ease the right butt cheek up to release the Cracken.

Successful launch....wait for it..don't laugh...stifle it....and then it hit.  Immediate cries of "Oh God" and "Oh Shit" as both try frantically to roll down the windows, but no, the attempts are futile.  I'm literally in tears as I look at the back seat passenger.....open the door...at 65 m.p.h....and try twice to jump out.  He was in such a disoriented, desperate state that he doesn't realize his seatbelt is holding him in.  He finally gathers his senses as the open door sucks the pungent odor out of the car.  The two offered to buy my ticket, pay for gas (The liquid kind) and all meals on the trip if I promised not to unleash such fury on them again.

I turned them down.  Some things are more precious than money.

 

[wesfau2]

The Satchmo of butt trumpets?  Holy shit.  Now that's good reading.

Me and two other guys are headed up to Troy to catch some regional high school basketball playoffs.  That day, prior to the trip, I had been firing off some vile smelling cheesey blasters.  Once in a lifetime gas.  All I could think of was how much "Fun" this hour trip was going to be.  I'm driving and about 10 minutes of driving up 231 North, my stomach gives me the go-ahead signal.  Ease my hand over to the window lock button and ease the right butt cheek up to release the Cracken.

Successful launch....wait for it..don't laugh...stifle it....and then it hit.  Immediate cries of "Oh God" and "Oh Shit" as both try frantically to roll down the windows, but no, the attempts are futile.  I'm literally in tears as I look at the back seat passenger.....open the door...at 65 m.p.h....and try twice to jump out.  He was in such a disoriented, desperate state that he doesn't realize his seatbelt is holding him in.  He finally gathers his senses as the open door sucks the pungent odor out of the car.  The two offered to buy my ticket, pay for gas (The liquid kind) and all meals on the trip if I promised not to unleash such fury on them again.

I turned them down.  Some things are more precious than money.

Didn't crank the heat?   Rookie.

[Snaggletiger]

Didn't crank the heat?   Rookie.

I continue to learn, Master.

[Godfather]

I have an aversion to other people's farts. 

I'm not sure why.  I think it started when I was around 15.  I was eating breakfast and my father was reading the newspaper.  He ripped a huge, nasty-sounding fart.  I got pissed because I was eating but more so because I was already angsty as most 15 year olds are, and it was his reaction that pissed me off.

"Oh, I forgot that you don't fart.  Farts never happen with you." 

The next time I let an audible one go around my dad?  Same kind of thing.

"Wait I thought you didn't fart!  I thought you were the anti-fart guy!" 

And then it would somehow get brought up with company.  My friends come over?

"Hey guys.  Don't forget not to fart." 

And so from then on, I get annoyed by farts.  Of course, my male students figure this out eventually, and every year, I deal with the boys farting like crazy until a girl voices her disgust which shuts their cheek flappers up for the rest of the school year.

Your Dad is the fuckin man, invite him to the site ..non-farter.  That shit is funny!

[dallaswareagle]

Was on a flight back from Mexico, we had gone out the night before leaving against my better judgment. Nothing good happens on your last night in Mexico because you try and recapture the whole week you are there and in your soon to be drunken mind you say to yourself I’ll sleep this off on the plane. Well you know where this goes, Mexican beer-Tequila shots and whatever food they put in front of you.

Fast forward about 12 hours over the Gulf of Mexico. My stomach starts to gurgle and make those sounds that a 5 gallon water bottle makes as you empty it for a cup of water.  Before I can get to the bathroom I’ll let out a Pure American-flag waving-SBD. I rank it as one of my top two farts in my life. You can see people around me (and up to 5 rows forward and back) start to move in ways like they are trying to duct it or get out of its way. There was no escape.

As we are deplaning my friends are talking about it as I start laughing and they all knew it was me. A guy about two rows up turn around and looked at me and said: Good thing you did that on the plane as that would have never cleared customs. I took that as a compliment. 
 

[JR4AU]

I'm a mean motherfucker when it comes to farts.  I love leaving "presents" in elevators.  Once did it, and some folks got on with a baby, and they thought the kid had just shit it's diaper. 

In 10th grade I cleared a whole locker room.  JV, about 25 players.  Locker room is not really lockers, but cement benches with wood frame and wire mesh cubby holes to store our shit, and change in to uniforms. I let a SBD and acted like nothing happened.  Slowly it spread, and all the JV football team exits moaning and pissing about the smell, and is standing in the hall where the showers are, then they look back to see me still sitting there laughing my ass off at my locker. 

THE...BEST....EVAH though, I was in a Movie Gallery.  Just walked in, and there was a long line at the checkout with this hideous looking fat lady at the end.  Everybody in line is facing away, others in the store are occupied looking at movie selections, as I make my way right behind her and just as I'm getting there, the urge hits me, and in a very quick thinking fashion, and with lots of luck that NOBODY saw me, I ripped a MAJOR ass flapper just as I pass behind her, and almost simultaneously, I recoil, look over my shoulder at her and scream "dear God lady!"  It was loud enough to be heard throughout the whole store.  I move on about my business like all is cool, and she's left with the icy stares and kids pointing and laughing at her.  My girlfriend was with me, and was savvy enough to play right along.  Wasn't planned, just by the grace of God it worked out, and was funny as shit.  My GF about shit her pants trying to contain her laughter in the store, and was laughing so hard she was crying when we got in the car.

That happened, and can't be topped by anything real IMHO,  but feel free to tell one you think is better. 

[JR4AU]

Didn't crank the heat?   Rookie.

Yes, adding heat takes them to a whole other level.

My brother is the fartingest human I've even known.  His worst ones actually have not only  an odor, but a taste and texture.  He's younger than me, and I've not warned him of the dangers of farting after 40.  He going to have some big time surprise and humiliation when it first happens to him.

[GarMan]

I've not warned him of the dangers of farting after 40.  He going to have some big time surprise and humiliation when it first happens to him. 

Wisdom...  You can NEVER trust a fart after 40, and when you think it might be safe, that's when it isn't. 

I have no single memorable events, but I am fairly skilled at quietly crop-dusting a crowded grocery store aisle.  And, with all the travel I do, I particularly enjoy sharing my precious aroma as I pass through TSA, boarding planes and navigating busy airport terminals. 

[JR4AU]

Wisdom...  You can NEVER trust a fart after 40, and when you think it might be safe, that's when it isn't. 

This was pretty well fleshed out over the last couple of pages of this thread in the Concourse: "people I wouldn't fuck"

I have no single memorable events, but I am fairly skilled at quietly crop-dusting a crowded grocery store aisle.  And, with all the travel I do, I particularly enjoy sharing my precious aroma as I pass through TSA, boarding planes and navigating busy airport terminals.

I share every chance I get. 

[Snaggletiger]

A buddy of mine in lawschool was the master of the well placed knockout punch.  There's one key to carrying out a well laid fart plan.  You have to be able to keep a straight face and keep em' guessing.  This guy could eek some vile fumes out his ass and never bat an eye or crack a smile.  He'd have that stunned look like everyone else.  One night, he finished his exam before me and a bunch of others.  We're both seated up top of an ampitheater style classroom.  He stands up to go hand in his test and pauses briefly by my seat...to open his ass valve.  PWHHRRRRR......

He's down front handing in his test when it hits like napalm.  I was like, WTF?  I look down and he's walking out the door looking at me with a wry smile.  About that time, the girl in front of me turns and looks at me like I just thumped her in the back of her head.  All I could do is shake my head and mouth, "It wasn't me."