More people I want to kill:
1) The fuck on the airplane who takes his shoes off ten minutes into the flight and is oblivious to the fact that a) his fucking feet stink and b) some people are sort of grossed out by dude foot.
2) The bastard who pops his bluetooth headset the second the wheels touch down and begins a loud conversation with somebody either at home or the office. The office is the worst. Bellowed bullshit to make themselves appear important.
3) The assclown who pulls up to the drivethrough and proceeds to coordinate five separate orders for the people in the car. "On my first order, I want..." Fuck you. Pop. Pop pop pop. Also the assclown who comes to the drivethrough to order enough to feed everybody back at work. "Ummm, okay, I need four number threes, six chicken wraps, one without caesar sauce, two with extra cheese and one with no chicken, fifteen orders of fries..." Sorry. Fuck you. Grenade!!
4) The fucking bitch on the cell phone at the movies. "Oh yeah, boo, we at tha LION KANG, uh huh. It just to the part where that little lion be all trippin on them bones..." Bang. Movie over, whore.
5) Also the parents who won't take their screaming kid out of the theater. Fuck, bitch, I paid for a ticket. Get the kid somewhere else so I can hear this shit.
-----------
Side story.
Was recently flying to a midwestern city. The guy next to me was in his mid 20s and had never flown. He was doing his best to be civil, but it was absolutely hilarious. Turned out to be a nice guy, but he had the wifebeater, flat brim hat cocked sideways and baggy jean look that douchebags wear so well.
So we're about 15 minutes into the flight and I'm about to start the traditional doze when this guy turns to me, puts out his hand and introduces himself.
"Hey. I'm Brian and you are? I don't know what one typically does on a plane trip, is it normal to talk with the person beside you? Most people seem to be reading or asleep."
He kept it up with a steady stream of commentary about how cool the clouds were, wondering if they could hold his weight if he got out of the plane, how weird the cities and towns looked, how small it made him feel knowing all those people were down there doing their business "shitting, sucking, fighting and fucking" as he put it and here he was way up above them.
Some of the best:
"I've been trying to call my girlfriend for like 20 minutes. Can you not get a signal up here?"
"Five dollars for a beer? That seems high. Do you have any $2 beer?"
"Are these cookies complimentary or are they like the beer?"
"This flight is over two hours long. When will we have a smoke break?"
"If you turn on the GPS on your phone will it show you where you are in the air?"
"Are you a Christian? I hope so. I don't really trust Muslims. I never know what they're thinking."
And the best one that was repeated over and over and over:
"Did you hear that noise (alternate version "Did you feel that")? Is that normal?" I answered "I don't think so" when the wheels went down before landing.
72 Replies
11072 Views