http://www.theauburner.com/mark_predictions08.htmlSeason Predictions
4-28-08
by: Mark
Aug. 30 Louisiana-Monroe
Here's a question asked throughout the state last season, “Is there anything more embarrassing than losing to Mississippi State?”
For Auburn fans, this question remained hypothetical. Alabama wasn't satisfied with simply asking questions. They sought enlightenment and found it a week later by losing the Louisiana Monroe. Saban not only found enlightenment but he also learned the power of forgiveness when he conveniently lifted DJ Hall's suspension once a loss seemed possible. No life lessons will be learned when Auburn plays Louisiana Monroe in 2008. Auburn wins 28-0.
Sept. 6 Southern Mississippi
I don't know much about Southern Mississippi except that Alabama plays them every so often. Apparently, Jay Jacobs gets a kick out of scheduling teams who have embarrassed Alabama in the past.
Any respectable Alabama fan has at least three Daniel Moore paintings mounted on his living room paneling. These paintings show Alabama defeating foes like Ohio State, Miami, Florida, Penn State and Notre Dame from years past. However, there's been a decade long drought of paintable moments for the Crimson Tide (with the exception of the “new-coach-heroically-stands-next-to-goal-post” images). Thus, Daniel Moore was forced to paint a picture of the night Alabama came from behind and defeated the Conference USA team whose community had been near demolished the previous week by hurricane Katrina. Congrats, Bama*.
Auburn's win over Southern Mississippi won't result in any Pontiac Game Changing Performance awards, but The History Channel will rank the offensive performance #44 in a show entitled “History's 50 most brutal Blitzkriegs”.
Sept. 13 at Mississippi State
Mississippi State beats the Vegas spread by covering the Franklin spread for exactly one quarter. Auburn wins 28-10. I'm not 100% certain about the final score, but I am certain that Tuberville will directly or indirectly insult former Mississippi State coach Jackie Sherrill at the post game press conference as he does every single year.
Sept. 20 LSU
This game is impossible to predict. The home team has won ever game this century, but the games themselves have been so incredible and odd, it's hard to predict how the game will play out. It'll probably involve a volcano, meteor strike or a questionable first down spot – at least one of those three will happen. Auburn wins 17-14.
Sept. 27 Tennessee
ESPN is kicking themselves for not airing the epic Auburn vs. LSU game that took place the previous week. They refuse to make the same mistake twice. They quickly decide to air this game. Unfortunately for them, this game is a blowout. Auburn wins 42-0 and the FCC fines ESPN fourteen million dollars for airing such sadistic violence when young people could be watching.
Oct. 4 at Vanderbilt
The throwback uniforms from the previous year were fun. This year, Auburn dresses out wearing astronaut suits for absolutely no reason. Auburn plants an American flag in one endzone, plays golf in the other, and wins 42-0.
Oct. 11 Arkansas
The team sits in the locker room one hour before kickoff. Tuberville enters the room and says “Go home. This is not your battle. I shall defeat my former student alone.” Tuberville picks up a football helmet and takes the field. Arkansas leads Tuberville 14-6 at the half. The team meets Tuberville in the locker room. Brad Lester gives an inspirational speech to Tuberville about teamwork and family. The team walks onto the field, arms-locked, and destroys Bobby Petrino and the Razorbacks 42-14. Tuberville grows as a person today.
Oct. 23 at West Virginia
I don't know much about West Virginia other than Terry Bowden, Nick Saban and Mary Lou Retton were all born there. Therefore, I conclude that all people from West Virginia are short. Short people are inferior to tall people. Auburn wins 38-13.
Nov. 1 at Ole Miss
Auburn wins in a 31-3 game which ends in tragedy. Earlier in the season, Ole Miss administration tells Houston Nutt that one of greatest things about Ole Miss football is the unique crowd atmosphere. Houston Nutt is told to “feed off the crowd” if he ever gets nervous. Nutt takes this advice literally.
Nov. 8 UT-Martin (homecoming)
UT Martin, or bizarro Auburn, looks just like Auburn only they're evil. Kodi Burns will have no idea who to pass to since the UT-Martin's secondary will all claim to be Auburn players. Evil twin goatees can't be seen if they're covered by football helmets. Luckily, Burns can just scramble for touchdowns. Auburn wins 70-0.
Nov. 15 Georgia
Here's the scene; Auburn's undefeated. Georgia's undefeated. The anticipation for this game is insane. The nation is doubtful that Auburn can win this game. CBS constantly shows clips from Auburn's previous two beatings by Georgia. Auburn runs out of the tunnel wearing orange jerseys. Mark Richt scoffs at Auburn's lame attempt to copy Georgia's 'black out' from the previous year. However, during the kickoff, Auburn rips off their jerseys to reveal their standard home jerseys. Tuberville pulled a perfect NOT-A-GIMMICK GIMMICK! Oh man. It's the most gimmicky gimmick in the book and Tubs pulls is off perfectly.
UGA cannot comprehend. Their brains simply cannot process the insanity Auburn unleashes on the field but it's completely understandable. Auburn wins 38-0.
Nov. 29 at Alabama
Tuberville continues his occupation of Tuscaloosa as he beats Alabama for a seventh year in a row. The following Monday, world leaders speak out against Auburn's defense and the way they treated Alabama's offense. Tommy Tuberville claims the Geneva Convention does not apply to the Iron Bowl since the “Saban Nation” is not considered a sovereign nation. Tuberville avoids a tribunal, but many remain skeptical of Tuberville and his incapability of showing mercy to certain foes.
SEC Championship Game
Georgia technically wins the SEC East. However, UGA remains in a catatonic state after the Auburn game and is unable to field a team. Auburn is named SEC Champions by default. Due to the SEC's contractual obligations to the Georgia Dome, Auburn plays the Atlanta Falcons in an exhibition game and wins 24-21.
BCS Championship Game
Auburn beats Texas 31-17. All is well in the world.
*Yeah, I'm a hypocrite. Had an Auburn player made a catch that insane at any point during any game, I'd probably go nuts and have the image painted on the side of my car or tattooed onto my cat.
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