...a Mardi Gras parade:
1) Do not show up five minutes before the parade starts and expect to push your way through, past people who've been set up and waiting for (sometimes) hours to have a good spot at the rail. I assure you those people who have been waiting there were NOT saving you a space. The next one who shoves me or my kid trying to get past us? I'm punching you in the back of your houndstoothed skull.
2) Do not wrestle with small children for stuffed animals if you are over the age of 12. Snatch another toy away from a kid and a foot is going up your Updyke ass.
3) Do not shove kids and old people out of the way to grab for beads. Beads cost about three cents each. I'll give you $10 and you can go buy your stupid ass about 300 beads if they are that important to you.
4) Do not stand in the middle of a group of people chuffing your fucking black and mild. It stinks, motherfucker. Put that shit out. Same goes for chain smoking cigarettes and the pipe the idiot in the buckskin coat was using as a mosquito fogger.
5) Don't let your snot nosed kids run around like raped apes. Put a leash on the ill bred little bastards.
6) Do not steal shit out of other people's bags. What the fuck is wrong with you? When people are putting things in their bags it generally means they intend to keep them. Turning around to see your ignorant ass rooting around in the bag doesn't generate any mardi gras spirit. It makes me want to kick your nose off your face.
7) Do not bring babies under the age of 4 and expect them not to cry, not to get hit with all manner of shit and not to be distraught -- especially when your dumb Updyke ass has them sitting on your shoulders and in the line of fire.
8) Do not wear clothes that aren't age or weight appropriate. Just because you CAN fit into the sequined shirt is no reason you must.
9) Don't ask me to borrow anything. I didn't bring it for you.
10) Don't lay on the ground to pull beads or moon pies out of the road while the parade is still going. I will laugh when a horse steps on your fucking hand.
** Note: To they guy on the float who noticed my daughter's AU gear, shouted War Eagle and accurately fired two dozen orange and blue beads at her feet... she got them. Thanks! **
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