The last time I went to Vegas, it was for a bachelor party that a buddy and I were throwing for another friend, and had two tag alongs. Prior to the weekend, I posted on Craigslist, that we were looking for 5 midgets we could play basketball against. "the Michael Jordan experience" was what we were looking for. We wanted to play on 8 foot goals, so we could dunk on them. Sadly, no response.
The first night, the five of us started out at a strip club, and when asked by a stripper what we wanted to see more than anything that weekend in Vegas, the groom said "donkey punch."
The stripper gave us a phone number of a girl who was into that with her boyfriend (it was the strippers roommate). Apparently, the boyfriend owns the domain name "donkeypunchclothing.com" or something like that.
After the strip club, we went to the Beach. There, we met up with a bachelorette party. The groom and the bride disappeared for about an hour. I was talking to one of the bride's friends, who told us "i'm not sure where the bride went with your friend, but her fiancee is coming up, and he gets very jealous."
About 10 minutes later, the fiancee showed up, and he didn't look like he couldn't kick ass. He looked like Brock Lesner. Finally, our buddy showed up, and we got the fuck out of dodge. In the cab back to the hotel, he said that while he was fingering the girl in the bathroom, she peed on him. We dubbed it "the Golden Pinky."
Next morning, we had arranged for a limo from the chicken ranch to pick us up at 9am. So we get in the limo, and head to the ranch. We gave the head of the house some money, pointed at the groom, and said keep him happy. He walked off with a girl, and then we gave the head of the house more money, and said, make him really happy when the first one is done.
So we sat at the bar there... for 9 hours (the tag alongs also got girls - and one of them is still dating the girl he met, and this was 3 years ago).
The bartender looked like Burt Reynolds in Boggie Nights. I asked him if they had much trouble out there, he said some. I asked how long it took for cops to show up, he lifted up his shirt, exposing a badge on his belt, and said, "not long."
Once we got back to Vegas, we ate dinner, and then went out. I forget the place we went, but we decided that we would have the groom get the women in the bar to sign his shirt. One signs it with a phone number and a hotel room number. He begins texting her, and eventually decides he needs to go see her at the Hooters Hotel. I take his watch, his credit cards, etc. We were worried that he'd get over there, and get the shit beat out of him. Basically, he took one credit card, 20 bucks for a cab, and his cell phone. We take a cab to the hotel, and drop him off, and then keep at it.
Next morning, it's about 9am, and I've still heard nothing from him. He finally gets to our room about 10am, and then proceeds to tell us this story.
He gets over there, and gets to her room. Two queens, with the girl he went to see on one bed, and another girl on the other bed. He ends up doing both, thereby making this the most bad ass bachelor party ever.
We tried calling the donkey punch girl, but never got an answer. That's about the only thing that sucked about the weekend.
20 Replies
2996 Views