The 100 Offenses of Cam NewtonNovember 10th, 2010 by Bunkie Perkins · 7 CommentsCam Newton, clubbing baby seals and other unspeakable offensesWith the dawn of every new day, it seems, come new allegations of impropriaties by Cam Newton or those associated with him. We at FOTP just want to get it all out there in the open now…let all those transgressions breathe a bit and let time, as it always does, heal those wounds. Such a compilation of wrongdoing could not be put together by just little ol’ me, so I enlisted the help of a the likes of Godfrey, Rick Muscles, Mike Medallion, and Zac Stuckey, a blue ribbon panel for sure, to make sure we got all the skeletons out of the closet….Cam Newton is bangin’ your girl right now.Cam Newton drowns a sack of orphaned puppies before every Auburn home game.Cam Newton just drank the last homebrew beer you had in your refrigerator. Cam Newton still watches Entourage.Cam Newton once beat Harley Race to a bloody pulp with a blackjack…or maybe that was Ric Flair, I can’t remember.Cam Newton is running the Save Colonel Reb campaign, because it’s ABOUT HERITAGE NOT HATE Y’ALL.Cam Newton doesn’t feel it necessary to tip a barista, yet demands the perfect balance of half-caf.Cam Newton gets a solid 3.5 hours of Dougie in before kickoff.Cam Newton’s presence is the sole reason for cancer and miscarriages in Lee County.Cam Newton wont let Arrested Development back on the air.Cam Newton collects Nazi memorabilia….but just because he is a fan of the era, of course.Cam Newton volunteers with Child Protective Services just so he can be the one who comes and takes the babies away.Cam Newton was the one who request that the DJ play the Cupid Shuffle in the club.Cam Newton prays for more hurricanes in the Gulf.Cam Newton sends empty wrapped gifts to Toys 4 Tots.Cam Newton was the one who sent Donna Bragg all of those text messages.Cam Newton writes for Bleacher Report.Cam Newton keeps his rent house in disrepair, therefore effecting the value of your home in the same neighborhood.Cam Newton petitioned for a lengthier sentence for Lil’ Wayne.Cam Newton just sent cock pics to your grandma.Cam Newton enjoyed singing in his church choir, but only because the silk robe felt so good against his naked body. Cam Newton bought a ticket to see Due Date this weekend, but he snuck into For Colored Girls, twice. Cam Newton enjoys trips to the ATL’s Pink Pony, but it’s for the camaraderie and prime rib special. Cam Newton celebrates Kid Rock’s entire catalogue. Cam Newton is featured in Tim Tebow’s memoir as “my favorite mistakeâ€. Cam Newton murdered a vagabond, then resuscitated him and murdered him again because he wasn’t sure the homeless man was awake the first time. Cam Newton dumped a girl. Literally. In one of those Waste Management bins behind a Carl’s Jr. Cam Newton wants to get drafted by the Browns just so he can eventually leave Cleveland in the lurch.Cam Newton dines and dashes at charity fundraising dinners.Cam Newton roofied your baby sister…and your mom.Cam Newton has a Lance Armstrong bracelet that says “Hope You Get Ball Cancerâ€.Cam Newton tells racially insensitive jokes in mixed company.Cam Newton fills his pool, then drains it, then fills it again…all during drought seasons.Cam Newton, to treat himself on Sundays, sucker punches elderly nuns on their way to Mass.Cam Newton turns “Jenny Says†by Cowboy Mouth to full volume on his stereo and puts it on repeat for days at a time.Cam Newton just stands at the foot of the bed and points and laughs when the Auburn team visits children’s hospitals.Cam Newton watched Prison Break past Season 1.Cam Newton bought the last copy of Black Ops at Best Buy.Cam Newton never eats what he kills.Cam Newton runs a kidnapping syndicate out of Tuxtepec, Mexico that specializes in small children and the elderly.Cam Newton was going to be the subject of one of Taylor Swift’s break-up songs, so he punched her in the larynx.Cam Newton’s favorite NASCAR driver is Jeff Gordon.Cam Newton pees in baptisteries.Cam Newton mules for Columbian cartels in the offseason.Cam Newton still recites quotes from The Hangover.Cam Newton fired that rocket out of the Pacific. It was headed to your mom’s house.Cam Newton is funnelling money to Somali pirates.Cam Newton is that guy who ripped ass in the crowded bar you were in Saturday night.Cam Newton, for the right price, has some spare kidneys he could sell you.Cam Newton gave Jessie Spano those caffeine pills.Cam Newton accellerates through elementary school crosswalks.Cam Newton was the first man on earth to wear an Ed Hardy shirt.Cam Newton is holding the cure for Alzheimer’sCam Newton won’t win your big rig accident suit but you still owe him for services rendered.Cam Newton makes Michael Vick look like Sarah Mclachlan.Cam Newton blocked AT&T U-Verse in your neighborhood.Cam Newton parks in handicap spots with no intention of “running in and outâ€.Cam Newton thinks if Pacquiao vs Margarito wasn’t a fight, it would be great as “Lunch Special #11″ at Pancho’s. #thatsracistCam Newton comes to read Clay Travis articles for their blind and uninformed stance on an issue but stays to be reminded that Clay is, in fact, a lawyer.Cam Newton touches his girl inappropriately during praise and worship.Cam Newton fuels his sled at the nearest BP station.Cam Newton planted Wade Phillips years ago.Cam Newton is keeping the Beatles off of iTunes.Cam Newton eats an entire tray of samples at a Sam’s Club demo with no intention of buying product. Cam Newton handed out disco biscuits in Smarties wrappers on Halloween night. Cam Newton is booking Pat Green in your town as we speak.Cam Newton sneaks into your house at night and plants asbestos in the attic.Cam Newton swerves to hit stray cats on the highway.Cam Newton gave picture books to blind kids for Christmas; the deaf kids got iPods.Cam Newton clubs baby seals in his free time and at lunch.Cam Newton hid your remote. And your car keys.Cam Newton made F/X run a 2 1/2 Men Marathon.Cam Newton made lawn darts illegal.Cam Newton orders his steak well done at Ruth’s Chris.Cam Newton made sure your wife didn’t lose the weight after the pregnancy.Cam Newton stole all of the medals at last years Opelika Special Olympics meet and sold them for scrap.Cam Newton shoots off fireworks during a burn ban.Cam Newton shot over his limit of grouse last season.Cam Newton drives with his brights on at all times.Cam Newton steals the identities of injured soldiers and buys nothing but nudie magazines and pork rinds with their credit cards.Cam Newton reports your illegal music downloads to the proper authorities.Cam Newton didn’t think that Glo Coat Commercial was all that great.Cam Newton is Kanye West’s ghost writer on Twitter.Cam Newton drives the speed limit in the left hand lane.Cam Newton forced Brett Hart to job in Canada.Cam Newton tricked Mike Slive’s son into joining a pyramid scheme in Atlanta.Cam Newton is ducking Serbian war crime charges in Newnan, Georgia.Cam Newton didn’t blow the Yella Fella. The Yella Fella demands his pound of flesh.Cam Newton shot Omar.Cam Newton invented Axe Body Spray.Cam Newton thinks Steve Zahn was underused on Treme.Cam Newton once forgot to check in on 4 square at the Auburn Moe’s.Cam Newton caused The Dexateens to break up.Cam Newton killed the dude who wrote, “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.â€Cam Newton erased your Mom’s recording of Dancing With The Stars last night before she saw it.Cam Newton voted against The Machine for Alabama’s homecoming court, at least the GDI’s were happy.Cam Newton gave Wet Hot American Summer a 1 star review on his movie blog.Cam Newton broke the Washington and Lee honor code.Cam Newton exposed the fact that the NCAA only takes money from football and basketball programs and uses it to enforce title 9.Cam Newton stopped following Friends of the Program’s twitter feed after Bunkie posted pictures of naked ladies.
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa there big fella'....Cam Newton shut down The Flush?
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